Yemisi knew, in fact everyone knew, that Kunle was bad news. He had never been serious with any lady in his life. He always cut corners, and he wasn’t always fully invested in his relationships. His attitude towards his relationships was like that of someone, who felt there was a better option out there for him. Or worse, “I can’t be tied down”, a crushing statement that he had actually said to a few of his girlfriends.
However, even when she knew a few of his exes, Yemisi found herself drawn to Kunle and eventually ended up dating him. They would have some stretch of time when they are all lovey-dovey and so into each other, one would think they were getting married the next day, and then for weeks after, Kunle would disappear; no calls, no texts, nothing! He just ceased to exist in her world for those few weeks, until his call would come out of the blue, and Yemisi would be right there, picking things up again, as though the last few weeks hadn’t happened.
Never once did Kunle talk about a future for them. One year turned to two, and the questions started. Yemisi was well into her 30s by then, so no one expected her to be stuck in a relationship with no future. Even she did not realise it, but she manufactured excuses for Kunle and why he hadn’t put a ring on it yet, without his knowledge.
“We are fine as we are.”
“There is no need for any hurry. When we are ready, you will be the first to know.”
“Kunle is too busy now to plan a wedding. He will soon be free to do that.”
“We (read: Kunle) need more time. We don’t want to rush anything.”
Yemisi went on with the excuses. In some parts of her mind, she knew there was no headway in her relationship; if it ever led to marriage, then praise God, but she isn’t holding out for it.
The sad truth was Yemisi was also damaged from a long term relationship that ended in the death of her fiancé. They had been together since she was a teenager, had gotten engaged right out of the university, and a few weeks to their marriage, he had died in a ghastly motor accident.
She had moved on, or so she would have everyone believe, but hadn’t. Her relationship with Kunle was the first since her fiancé’s death and subconsciously, it was a good choice, because it was going nowhere.
Kunle was a damaged soul himself, damaged by whatever was in his past. His inner demons would not allow him settle down and that was what she was looking for, although she did not articulate this thought, forget verbalising it.
However, it was the main reason, she was with him and the dilly dally is still going on, until either of them is able to get help, grow up or calm their inner demons.
While the case of Yemisi’s self-damaging trait is not always the same for other ladies that also date these men, whom are unavailable for a variety of reasons, some of which are below:
Women seem to love “the chase.” This is twisted in some ways, but the truth is some women gain some sort of validation from knowing that they were the one to have caged a guy, whom other women have failed to catch.
It seems a case of the hunted becoming the hunter but that couldn’t be any less true. Getting the unavailable but attractive guy now becomes a project and a challenge that must be overcome.
Also, women tend to go for people who replicate the rejection that they had when they were children. Now, this isn’t psychology but the truth is, a number of women who fall for the elusive emotionally unavailable male tend to have lived through rejection while younger. It might have been some form of attention that they might not have received from one or both of their parents or even their peers.
Getting into a relationship with emotionally unavailable men might be a way of proving to themselves and to the world that they are not entirely unlovable, because the type that would typically reject them has finally started dating them.
Sadly, this compensation for the love they didn’t get in their childhood makes them think that the guy’s emotionally distant and potentially abusive behaviour is the price they need to pay. It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be broken.
Meanwhile, there are traits screams, “My “type” is the unavailable male.” They are below:
- You are a “man-pleaser”:
Don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with pleasing your man, but if it becomes the sole reason for your existence, then there is a problem.
Instead of trying to figure out how to make the man you are dating happy, why not allow him the opportunity to do this for you? Let him tell you what makes him happy and be sure to tell him what makes you happy too, so things are balanced.
- You have control issues:
If you feel incomplete unless a man relies on you to take care of him, you are opening up the door to problems. Shut it!
Why? Men who are emotionally unavailable are often abusive; meaning verbally and physically. Because of your deep need to “be needed”, you get tied down to a relationships with men who can never truly emote or otherwise be intimate. Close the door firmly and lose the keys.
- You fear intimacy
People who have fears of intimacy often attract like kinds. Which is the case with Yemisi and it follows the general law of attraction in relationships. We cannot give what we do not possess.
If you find any of these traits in yourself, it’s time to purge yourself; either seek help with a counsellor or begin a journey of self-awareness, so you can free yourself from all these emotional entanglements and start a healthy relationship life.
Godspeed with your journey!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.