Why It’s Important Who Initiates Sex


Making the first move sexually is mostly left up to men, usually because our society has conditioned women to fear they will be seen as being ‘too forward’ (read whorish) and because we’re constantly told men love to be the hunter and be in charge, in the bedroom and out of it.


Even though there are plenty of men who would love nothing more than to constantly make the first move for sex and be in the domineering position all the time, there are pockets of men who are interested in having their women making the first move at least some of the time.


My experience with this situation was one time when my husband and I had to meet with a counsellor, who asked us loads and loads of uncomfortable questions, from our social lives to our sexual life. Mehn! It was absolutely embarrassing having to discuss our bedroom business with a stranger, but I later decided that who better than a stranger to talk to, since we were at that stage where we needed to talk to a third party.


One of the questions he asked was who always made the first move and the question was directed at me. There was no hiding place; I just had to confess that my husband was the one who always made the first move. I’m still making up for the several years’ worth of sleepless nights spent nursing our children. The only times I might (might, because I don’t really remember) have jumped him was in the early days of our relationship, when everything was still fresh and I couldn’t get enough of him.


When he asked all his questions, he began to analyse the situation and offer us tips we could use to manage the stage where we were. His reason for asking that question on who initiates sex was to find out the amount of sexual chemistry still between us. So, obviously, considering my husband often makes the first move, he still finds me sexually attractive (that tickles a lot). And now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t find my hubby sexually attractive, I just need to catch up on my sleep, that’s all.


I decided to make this as real as possible by asking a few married friends, some weren’t so interested in sharing and some didn’t mind. Here are their reactions:


From Femi, a man, who’s been married for 8 years and had dated his wife for 12 years before that time, “Hey babes, it will be really nice if women would once in a while drop the “fronting”, forget about being prim and proper and all that lady-like behaviour and again, for ONCE, throw us men onto the couch and take advantage of us?


The rumour is that men are getting a little tired of always initiating sex with their wives. In fact, I tell you this is no longer a rumour. Several studies show that men initiate twice as many times as women.

You know, us men are all about equal opportunity, especially in the bedroom. We would love to see you take charge in the bedroom. In fact, one of the top male sexual fantasies is seeing their wife turn into a tigress in bed. 

Your husband generally won’t mind making the first move, especially when it results in some action between the sheets. When men want sex their signals are pretty obvious, unlike you ladies. You women are much more subtle. You might hug, kiss or cuddle, but you always leave the sexual advances up to your man. 

So why don’t you initiate sex? Studies have found women don’t jump their man because quite simply, they don’t have to. Most men are often ready to go.


The other reason, I get women don’t initiate sex is because of the social stigma attached. Women feared being called a slut. With men, there is neither shame nor remorse for trying to get some action, especially, if you are married to him.  And if he feels that way all the same, too bad, he is husband of a “slut” and doesn’t know the value of what he’s got.

Ladies, when your husband does the initiating, he doesn’t really know if you really want to have sex. He might even think you are accepting because you want to please him, not because you want to get it on. 

A common myth is that men are always horny and therefore ready for sex. Though this may be true for an 18-year-old boy, it’s not true for adult males. It may be hard to believe, but men refuse sex with their partners at the same rate as females. Rejection is hard for either gender. One can become withdrawn if rejected one too many times.”


Abolore, a married woman with close to 20 years of marriage under her belt and member of the marriage counselling committee of her church has this to say for why women don’t initiate sex more often.


“Dear men, instead of sulking about having to initiate sex a lot more often, what you should be asking yourself is: When I initiate, does she seem enthusiastic or half-hearted?


In addition to that, men, every time your wife touches you it’s not necessarily an invitation to drop your pants. Sometimes she just needs soothing touch. It’s a huge turnoff for us when you jump the gun and go for it when we just want to cuddle. 

And if you men could stop your whining for just one second, I can tell you the real issue. Surveys show couples believe both partners should initiate sex with equal frequency. However, things go differently when couples form a bonding pattern of one initiating more than the other. They get stuck in this routine, resentment builds, power struggles ensue and sex starts to be a turn off.


Sirs, if you would like us to initiate sex more often, then you need to pay attention to our cues, not all cuddles and touches are meant to lead to sexual intercourse and also, less is more.”


Now that we have heard from both the male and female folks, I guess we can conclude that there seems to be some mixed signal but essentially, initiating sex shouldn’t be left to only one partner, otherwise, sex starts to lose its buzz; which is not a good thing in a marriage.

Stay in love!



Kristine is a member of  The Lovelint team. She  is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.

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