“It just happened” That was all Wunmi kept repeating when I asked her why she cheated on her husband of six years. It was very hard for Wunmi to explain to me how she started an affair with a married man, who lived in their neighbourhood. They were two married people cheating on their spouses but what drove Wunmi into it?
She had no concrete answer; all she said was that it just happened. Admittedly, the man gave her free rides to her office on the Island, which was just along his route. And that was how the relationship started.
He would call her at home to ask her how she was and because they always headed out early to beat the traffic jam, he was one of the persons she got calls from early in the day. As instead of hooting, he would call to inform her that he was waiting in the car. And every time they saw, he always had something nice to say about her looks.
Unconsciously, she started to take extra care with her looks and before you knew it, her heart was hooked. She started to look forward to the rides to and fro work, even as it was not really convenient for him to come pick her up at the end of the work day and her company bus could very well have dropped her at a bus stop close to her home but no, he ensured, he took her back home at the end of the day.
And on the ride home, she would talk about her day and how it went. By the time, her husband came home and they managed to talk about how their day went, she often felt like a broken record, repeating what she had told the other man before.
Very soon, the ride back home started to include visits to an eatery; after all, by the time, they got home, dinner would be over. So, they soon added the routine of grabbing dinner together, another bonding time with Wunmi’s DH out of the picture. Hands started to leave the steering wheel to rest on Wunmi’s laps. At first, she was shocked, then thought it a mistake, and then she accepted it.As you can imagine, it did not end there, they went all the way and the man’s wife found out, which led to a meltdown.
Her marriage is in jeopardy as we speak. She might never return home, if her husband doesn’t forgive her. When I asked her, how it happened; she told me, she did not know, she just felt attracted to the fact that he listened to her talk, not rushing her along as her husband did and besides, he was very considerate of her needs. Well, her marriage is on the line now, because of that considerate man, who already apologized to his wife and had since resumed his conjugal duties, while she is still cooling her feet in her friend’s house, still begging forgiveness from her husband.
We all know that we live in a society where when men cheat, it is almost normal and accepted but when it is a woman, there are consequences to be paid. But the case with Wunmi shows she did not set out to have an affair but an affair happened to her, as she went after what was missing in her marriage. Pure animal instinct, that should have been curbed but when you are in the thick of it, reason flees.
Another woman cheated on her husband because he cheated on her and she wanted him to feel what it was like to be cheated on. She said that for six years, her husband jumped from one woman to another, without giving any consideration to her. It was if she did not matter, that he could do as he wanted, so in retaliation, she found a toy boy and started to have sex with him. It did n0t matter that a part of her told her that he did not love her, just loved the fact that she could take care of his financial needs. All that mattered was having him pleasure her in the most intimate way possible. The absolute focus and attention on her at those heated times made up for the lack of love and attention in her marriage.
Well, as I write, her husband does not yet know that his wife had been getting her own action from a boy, young enough to be her son but if the circumstance of their marriage is anything to go by, it might not even matter, should he know. Such a sad end to a beautiful marriage blessed with grown-up children.
For Linda, however, her affair was in the open. Her best friend was her love interest and the go-to person whenever anything was bothering her. Her husband knew him before they got married. So he wasn’t a new fixture in their life and that made it even easier, as there was no sneaking around, no guilt at spending time with him. In fact, whenever she was upset, her husband would encourage her to go and talk about it with her best friend. So, she went. They would indeed talk and she would come home calm.
The situation was like that for years and Linda truthfully thought, she was not doing anything bad; she stopped bothering her husband with anything that disturbed her. He worked hard to cater for the needs of their family anyway. But when she started to sleep with her best friend of many years, she knew she had crossed the line.
In her attempt to bring some sanity into her marriage; which had turned them into more of house mates than married couple, all because he was working long hours and did not have time to deal with issues concerning his family; she gave him an ultimatum to either cut back on his work hours, so he can spend more time with her and the kids, who saw more of her best friend than they did of their father, or be ready to deal with the consequences.
The ultimatum did not work; he loved his job and was unable to cut back without significant dent in their lifestyle. So, she continued to sleep with her best friend. In the end, not even marriage counseling could save their marriage. She left to be with her best friend and he left to be with his work.
A common reason for these women cheating on their spouse was pure lack of attention. Women feed on attention.
Paying attention to a woman tells her you love her and that is the best news to a woman, just tell her different variations of ‘I love you’ and you have a happy woman, who will not trade you for anything in the world.
Food for thought!
Kristine is a member of the The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.