Having gotten married early in her early 20s, Kate knew next to nothing when it came to sex. In fact, she was technically a virgin when she got married, discounting the several smooching sessions she had had with the boyfriend she left for the man she married.
And that was all thanks to her very strict Christian background. While a teenager, when she was friends with girls who were sexually active, and had felt pressured to eat the forbidden fruit, she had always managed to restrain herself before giving in to the urge. It was the same thing that led her down the straight and narrow route in her university days, where sex was even more commonplace than normal.
She often consoled herself with the fact that she was saving herself for the man she would marry. It worked. Even though she had a boyfriend, she was able to resist the temptation. By the time she got married, she was inexperienced in both sex and dating. But her marriage was blissful, until the children came, the cheating started, and they just couldn’t find their balance again. They were unable to find a middle ground in parenting, or anything for that matter.
Both Kate and her husband went their separate ways, but it was not without consequences. Here was Kate, who had only ever had one sexual partner, suddenly finding herself without any sexual comfort that she had been used to for the past 10 years, even with three sons under her belt.
For one whole, year, Kate was unable to get back into the dating scene, as she was too scared. She wanted to be a good role model for her kids, but she was even more scared of the fact that, should she ever start dating and having sex again, she might not be able to stop, considering how long ago she had had sex.
She felt a battle going on inside of her mind: One side saying that it was perfectly normal for her to have these desires and to act upon them, while the other side seemed to shout that she was supposed to deny her desires, and remain a good girl. She survived this phase for only one year.
After that, she was all out for blood, she went out and about, and the reality was the dating pool was filled with people who were looking for someone just like her: a yummy mom, who was not necessarily looking for commitment, a woman with vast sexual experience, who knew the way her body worked, and was not shy of trying new things.
Kate found out some salient realities of the life of single mom, a divorcee, a separated mom trying out the dating scene, generally everyone after a break from a long-term relationship.
One of those things is Moms are Hot Cake
Yes, you read that right. Instead of being repulsed by the fact she is a mom, Kate found out that, there were men out there, many men in fact, who did not mind, and they were single and available men too. Some divorced, and some not, but they were all interested in her and understood the fact that she might not always be available as her children took most of her free time, except when they were with their dad.
Whether, it was purely sexual attraction or not, Kate couldn’t be bothered. She was no longer looking for everlasting. All she needed was the confidence booster that she was still attractive to any man. That might change down the line. But it was perfectly okay with her now.
Getting naked with someone new can be scary:
Your post-divorce body is nowhere near what it was prior to your marriage. Kate had had kids, three boys, and those pregnancies, and subsequent breastfeeding, had all taken its toll on her body. She had extra layers where she did not even realize, until getting naked with someone else became a possibility.
However, she made a point of not dating younger men. Her potential dates were men, who have been through some ravages of life too. So they were even.
Post-breakup sex is a confidence builder!
Ha! Talk about the ultimate self-confidence booster. Feeling sexy again can help you rebuild yourself into the new sexy, single woman that you are. Buy yourself some sexy lingerie to start your own self-confidence movement, and keep the momentum going.
Forget the alcohol! If you really want to get into a sexy mood and stay there, try putting on a soft romantic music CD. Music is a wonderful, and healthy, mood-altering substance. Sexy music can influence how you feel about yourself and it will show in your actions with your sexual partner.
Married Men Are Dangerous
This needs to be repeated, Married men are dangerous! Kate was especially sensitive to this fact. She was cheated on more times than she could count by her ex. She knew the pain and hurt she went through, and would not want to wish it on her worst enemy. So, she was always on the lookout for that ring, and that was the sign to stay clear. But with our Naija men, most of whom do not wear a ring, she has learnt to ask questions and questions, until she finds out the truth. No one was going to use her to hurt another woman.
What the heck are specs again?
Kate had a very specific picture of the man she hoped to marry, and the family they would create together. She got everything and then, everything went crazy. Now, she has no such lofty specs. She is more open to different people, after all, she is not looking for a life partner any more. She got one, he left, and she was fine with whatever was left.
Physical attributes are even less important. Perhaps age and maturity have something to do with this. Professional aspirations are no longer as critical either, although a well-educated man will always appeal to her. The point is, she has ceased to limit herself as she did in the past.
The message, Kate’s life managed to pass along was, after a break up, divorce, death of a partner, know that you can still pick up the pieces of your life and move on.
The options out there are amazing.
Kristine is a member of the The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.