Biola is a colleague that I have gotten close to over the last two years; she is fun,smart and very funny. There is nothing that Biola cannot turn into a joke, not even after a long annoying meeting with the Directors. She always knew how to crack me up, and I totally enjoyed being in her company. I think everyone needs a friend like that; the one who always saw the positive lining in everything and made a mountain seem as little as a kid’s sand house. We are not that close however, as I have my besties, Oluchi, Tolu and Zinny for matters really close to my heart, but Biola and I get to go out once in a while after work, and she is pretty cool with Isabella. She has even attended one of Isabella’s school plays with me. I turn to her when I am having an hectic or annoying day; she was such to have one joke, story, picture or video that was bound to make me reel in laughter and forget that I ever wore a long face.
I had never seen Biola crack, it is almost like her mantra is to “seek happiness in all things”. Today, she came to my desk at work, wearing a long face. Ha! I didn’t know what to make out of it, and quickly asked her what the matter was. I had assumed whatever was bugging her was work-related but I was wrong. Biola told me that her relationship was starting to get serious, and her boyfriend just informed her last night, that he would like to meet her parents. “Wow! That’s great news! So why are you bothered? Haven’t you met his family? Don’t you want to marry him? Do you think your parents would not like him?” She shook her, managed a smile and said “Take it slow Jacy, yes, I want to marry him. I mean, I am too old to be dating just for the fun of it nah, marriage has definitely being in the picture, and I also think my parents would like. Trust me, they would like any man I bring home, they are eager to have me married”.
I was puzzled “so what then is the problem? why the sad countenance?” She took a deep breathe before saying “I am scared Bosun might change his mind if he meets my parents. He is from a rich family and his parents would not expect him to marry someone whose father is blind, and whose mother retired early to nurse him.” “Your father is blind??” I asked “how come you never mentioned it?”. “It is a part of my life that I try to forget, he got blind about nine years ago from glaucoma and everyone in the house were badly hit. That’s why I got my own place immediately I could afford it, I hated seeing him that way”. I was so touched and reached out to hold her hand “It’s okay my dear, life sometimes throws us curve balls”. We had an emotional minute before she asked again “so what do I do? I am so scared of Bosun seeing my blind dad”
I advised her to inform Bosun ahead of time, and see what his reaction would be. If he empathizes with her and even asks if her dad can undergo treatment to regain his sight, or suggest a church where he could be taken to for prayers, then she would know that he indeed cares for her. She doesn’t necessarily need to agree with his suggestions if she is not okay with them, but the goal is to see if he does care. If he is put off, gets angry at her for not telling him earlier or starts giving excuses about meeting her parents, then she should consider it a sign that he is selfish and self-centered, and that should be a good enough reason to end the relationship. I was of the opinion that she needed to tell him beforehand to save him , her parents and herself the embarrassment of his reaction, right there in their family house. The picture was not going to be pretty. He sure was going to be shocked, angry and embarrassed, which would in turn anger and embarrass her folks.
Every one has skeletons in their closets. Take me for example, any guy that sees me alone in church, at work, on the streets or at the mall, would not imagine that I am a single mother. There was one particularly hot dude that I started seeing about three years ago. I hid the fact that I had a daughter from him, because I was scared of pushing him away too soon. I wanted him to get to know me first, before I opened up my baggage. Some six months after, when I thought we were consistent and that he loved me enough to love Isabella as well, I opened up to him about Kenny and how we made a baby together. No jokes, this guy’s mouth hung open for some seconds, and by the time he recovered, he went “I can’t do this, I can’t do this. I can’t shoulder another man’s responsibility. I can’t be a step-dad. This can’t work Jacy. I’m sorry, this won’t work” With that, he dropped money to cover the bills and walked out of the restaurant. That was the last I heard from him.
I was hurt and disappointed. I had shown this guy every beautiful part of me and he had even started insinuating marriage, and because I had a baby, bam! Deal over! Since then, I am pretty open upfront about my motherhood status. I would not introduce them to Isabella however, because she is too young to suffer like that. I wouldn’t want to break her heart every time I got out of a relationship, or have to hang on to a guy I don’t like, just because Isabella adores him. But the guys MUST know that I have a daughter. That’s my skeleton, and I drag it out of the closet for them to see. Wanna stay after you have seen that I am imperfect? I would make it worth your while. Wanna leave cause you can’t handle a little baggage? I would open the door for you.
However ladies, not every baggage needs telling. He doesn’t need to know how many guys you have been with and how your ex was such a woman beater and how you had a violent behavior before you found Christ. If your skeleton or baggage doesn’t not affect his life with you, then zip it. A friend of mine back in the university dated a guy that turned her into a punching bag, for more than a year. She eventually ran for her life and started dating another guy who wasn’t in the same school with us. Every thing was pretty normal and when they argued, they settled like normal couples would. One night, she was feeling all lovey-dovey and opened up about her past and how she tolerated abuse for so long. The guy was sweet, and cuddled her, telling her she didn’t deserve it. But the very next time they had an argument and she insulted him, she received a hot slap, accompanied with “Now, I know why your ex was beating you. Insult me again and see if I would not send you to the hospital”. She telling him about her ex made him think that she was ‘beatable’ and she knew to keep the lock on her past tightly screwed, when she dated again.
Not every guy is a douche bag, and there are guys who would not use your past against you, but then, how can you tell? You only know those who would use your past against you after they have done so. I mean, if a girl knew her boyfriend was going to insult her with something she told him in confidence, she certainly wasn’t going to tell him! Wisdom is required in staying happy in relationships. Take care guys