There is a popular saying that, the challenge with telling people (family and friends) about what your spouse did wrong is, when you have long forgiven him, they won’t. For them, he would always be that man, who did so and so to you. The one, who didn’t allow you to buy that car at the time, you wanted. They might be nice enough not to say it but it will show in their interactions with him.
I had to learn this the hard way, since then, I have learnt not to talk about my husband with just anyone. So around the time, that I was called up for my national youth service, I was so excited to go, even though I was pregnant and I had this lofty idea of staying in Edo state for the three weeks of camp but not so my husband. Understandably so, when you have to deal with energetic children and still go to work.
Anyways, he kept saying, it wasn’t a good idea for me to stay at the camp. So, imagine my shock, when less than 24 hours after I left home, I was asked to return home and come back at the end of the camp for my redeployment letter. Oh, I was so pissed. I called him anger, telling him how his juju had worked and my “holiday” had been cancelled after all and I was on my way home.
I will not lie, it was the chance away from home that I needed the most and for it to just be taken away from me, made me complain to everyone who had ears, that I was sent back home, because my husband had been afraid to stay with our children alone for three weeks. I think, I painted him a devil and did not take into consideration, the regulation of the service, which doesn’t allow it accommodate pregnant women at the camp. Besides, I wasn’t the only one turned back.
I had said what I did in anger but there are people till date, who ask me, “Hope your husband has changed o.” Well…I’m almost tempted to ask them, what he was supposed to change to but then, I caused the unnecessary questioning. If I had reined in my annoyance at him, I wouldn’t have gone sharing our business with others. To the people, who ask this question, my husband is supposedly a man, who doesn’t want his wife to enjoy herself and that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
For some people, the matter is not even all that cut and dried, it has become a norm. Everyone sees the man as a blackheart, no good, wife beater and useless man, all because of the impression that is given off by the wife.
It was while I was going for counselling that I learnt about the lady, let’s call her Ronke, who had so damaged her husband’s reputation that people started to avoid him like the plague. Their friends and family had little or no regard for him and he often wondered why people, her family members, friends reacted to him like that.
What took him a while to realise was, his wife was the one dragging him in the mud, by discussing him with friends and family and not in any way positive. It was a running diary about what he didn’t do right. As you can imagine, it led to deep issues within that marriage that they were even on the brink of separating.
Thank God for counselling, which they undertook at the nick of time. That was when, Ronke learnt how to “King up” her man and undo all the past wrongs, if that was possible but definitely not add to it.
It turns out talking bad about the men in our lives is somewhat common to us, ladies. Sure, we’ll mention the nice thing every now and again, but we all know the truth; nobody wants to hear how awesome your boyfriend/ husband is all the time. It’s just annoying.
You are even afraid to share so much nice details about him, before some husband snatcher decides to set her sights on him. So, for the most part, you try to keep the nice stuff to yourself. (You don’t want to be that annoying friend and you don’t want a body snatcher on your back.)
Instead, you turn to your friends; the minute mister drops the ball. Why? Well, while bragging about the nice stuff he does can come off as annoying, complaining about the bad stuff is juicy and interesting, bad news travels far; not to mention, it’s nice to have someone sympathize with you.
You want confirmation that your guy is in the wrong and you’re right. Who better to turn to for that good, old-fashioned validation than your friends or even better, your family? You know they’ll have your back.
So, when next he doesn’t perform up to par, you go on another dissing rampage, to your bestie or family and in the process arm them against your husband.
That part you often forget is, you will most likely get a chance to talk things over with your man, he will admit to being guilty, he will apologise to you but do you go back to tell your friends and family, to say, “Mister and I talked this thing over and we are cool now.”?
No, I don’t think so, most likely, you move on with your life, until mister misses dinner again or failed to pick the children from school or do one of the one thousand and one things, a man can do to hurt his woman, even when he doesn’t mean to.
So, while your friends and family are angry on your behalf, you are busy patching things up, but for them, he is no good and will never be any good.
But you can remedy the situation.
First of all, always remember that you are dating a human being, who can make mistakes and also make things work; do yourself, your man and your best friend/family a GIANT favour and talk about the good and the bad moments in your relati0nship. In fact, try to mention a little more good than bad.
Paint the full picture of who your significant other is, and don’t be afraid to share the lovey-dovey stories along with the not-so-fun mishaps.
That way, no one gets any untoward idea about your man, because the way your man is treated affects you on a level and you don’t want your man treated like a nuisance, because you have painted him thus, with your lips.
So, ladies, guide your mouth and be conscious of what you say about your man.
Stay in love.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.