My instinctive reaction when I read that the lady in question was disvirgined by her husband was “So what else is he looking for? Another virgin?” I asked, trying to gauge the reason a man, who had married a virgin, would still be interested in ‘sampling the market’.
Truthfully, I was shocked at the unexpected and unsolicited confession. It shook my belief about men. I genuinely thought most men liked marrying a virgin, and once they married one, they would be content for life. What a rude awakening! Apparently, that doesn’t work for all virgin-seeking men, and if subsequent experiences I have heard since last week are anything to go by, then it doesn’t even work for most men.
Most times, these virgins that these virgin-hungry men marry are also patience-personified, so they tolerate all sorts in the name of keeping their marriage. But all this is not the meat of the matter, Cynthia’s story is, and here it is as she shared with me unexpectedly, only a few days back.
I have been bottling this up for months now, but I cannot take it anymore. I need to speak with someone about it, and what better than someone like you who doesn’t know me that well.
Here’s the problem; I have been sleeping with another man, who is not my husband, and now he wants to marry me. And even that still pales beside the fact that the last time my husband returned home was two months ago, and he has been behaving like the man who courted me so many years ago…but he mustn’t find out I have had extra marital affairs. He used to say it in the past that if he ever finds out I cheated on him, it will be the end of our marriage. Well, I don’t know what to do now.
Before you condemn me, here are the bare facts of my marriage of almost two decades. Sometime in the late 1990s, I was finishing up with my secondary school education, when my father called me one night after dinner, to explain to me that there was an offer for my hand in marriage.
Marriage? My young mind grappled with that word. It seemed like something for latter years, but here my father, and even my mother, were telling me about it.
I told my father I wasn’t ready for marriage but wanted to do more with my life, before getting married.
To which my father answered;
“I knew you were going to say that. I have spoilt you. In my days, children did as their parents wished, but I have given you so much freedom. Cynthia, this man who wants to marry you is capable of sending you to school and even giving you the life that I can’t even give you. He and his family will be coming here next week Sunday to see you. Please cooperate with me,” my father concluded and walked away. Right before my eyes, I could see my life fading away.
I looked with hope to my mother, ready to implore her, but her eyes were hooded. There was no help there, so I accepted my fate.
Sunday came and, surprisingly, my groom wasn’t such a bad guy. He wasn’t even that old, just a man in his 30s, successful at business and wanted to marry a young woman from my side of town. I was just lucky to be the one he picked.
Six months after we first laid eyes on each other, we got married. Our first night as husband and wife was nothing as I imagined it. I was a virgin, and I told him. He said, “I know, that’s why I married you.” I was shocked, as it wasn’t as though I had told anyone, and the “That’s why I married you” part of his statement was a bit disconcerting.
Anyways, I expected him to be gentle and kind as he introduced me to the sex game, but even before I thought we had started, he was done and I was in pain, while he “consoled” me with these words, “Baby, you are sweet, so sweet! I can’t wait.” I will never forget those words; they are regular in our marriage.
Even as I write, our bedroom activities haven’t changed much; Slam, gbam and bam, we are done.
For the longest time, I didn’t mind because I didn’t know better. I thought it was standard practice not to enjoy sex, but found out my husband had just been a selfish lover all these years.
While I don’t like to blame him for my actions or inactions, the fact that I went into extra-marital affairs was because he started his several years back, and even abandoned me at home with our children for years, only coming home once in a blue moon. I stepped out and I found that there was a whole lot that my body could do.
With my husband, I have never had an orgasm, but with my lover, I get multiple orgasms and I look forward to our time together…even now that my husband has returned home.
What’s worse is my boyfriend is pressuring me to leave my husband and marry him. That would be scandalous, and I really don’t want that but nothing really has changed, except that my husband has returned home and resumed his selfish sexual activities with me…but I live with the fear that he will find out I’m having an affair and end our marriage by himself. So all my years of waiting for him to return home would have been a waste?
What do you think I should do? Should I just confess, be done with the marriage, and go to the man who satisfies me sexually and wants to marry me, or keep quiet, stay with my husband and hope things change sexually?
If there are other options, I would like to hear them too.
So, I’m looking forward to your advice…and those from your readers too.
So, ladies and gentlemen, there you have a true life confession and she would really love your advice.
Bring it on.
Whatever you do, stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.