One of the places that have often inspired me and sometimes, provided me with stories that I can share here is my hair salon. I hear all sorts, I see all sorts and the newest place, I find that does that these days is the nail bar, I sometimes go to and after a while, I just realised that most times, I get drawn into issues against my desires.
The last time, I was at the nail bar, several weeks ago, the army of girls there were having a discussion about men and money. Typical choice of topics for ladies you would say. However, I was amazed at the naivety and somewhat lofty ideas that these younger single ladies have about relationships and their tolerance levels, which was nearly zero, if that discussion was anything to go about.
One of the ladies, had been sharing about her relationship, which had been going steady for three years now, all because she was earning her own money, which of course, her boyfriend didn’t have (and shouldn’t) access, but they spent his own money like it was going out of fashion.
Before her relationship got on an even keel, she said, there had been times, she had wanted to pack it up; money had wanted to wreck her relationship, because her boyfriend was always angry, whenever, she asked him for money. This had happened before she started doing something of her own.
Once, she started her business, her boyfriend’s attitude suddenly changed. No longer was he angry that she asked him for money, because she hardly ever asked. So, when she did, he gave without hesitation.
Reacting to that story, none of the ladies heard the lesson from that story, that when a lady is able to fend for herself, she becomes a lot more attractive to a man, especially the right man.
Most of the ladies said the relationship wouldn’t have lasted a month, if their man was a stingy man, aka gum. One even went so far as to say that, she would be ending the relationship after his refusal.
When asked, if she was in the relationship for the cash, she no, but that there was always an exchange of something, “Let’s not fool ourselves, the men out there nowadays just want your body.”
While no one disputed that fact with her, the question that has ringed in my mind since then is, must you do this exchange with your body? Must you be “paid” for it? And if the answer is yes, what makes you different from the street prostitute? Okay, you are not on the street abi? Deception of the highest order.
Apart from money, the other ladies shared the other things that would be deal breakers for them in a relationship and they went the whole way, from being friends with his ex to having a low sex drive and so on.
Those ladies made me compile this list of things that shouldn’t be a deal breaker in your relationship. You can work around it, if you are really interested in the relationship.
1. Your partner’s friendship with the opposite-sex
I get the reason for this friction; it doesn’t matter if they are just friends or if they had been involved (hmm, he can’t even be friends with that one). But, the truth is, their relationship doesn’t have to get in the way of yours.
Before you let your jealousy, yep, that is what it is rob you of a good thing, communicate how you feel to your partner and let a corner of your heart accept that female friend of his or his friendly ex will likely be present in your life on some levels.
You can set the boundaries but don’t overdo it.
2. You don’t agree on money
you want to save every extra money that comes your way but your man is dreaming of how to splurge on the new car, that’s taken his fancy. Or it could be the other way round. That difference in opinion may seem painful, but it doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship.
Some spender/saver couple have managed to live together for decades and look to go more till date do them part. In this scenario, boundaries are still the way to go, but this time, the couple could establish the most amounts to be spent on buying the car. Agree to future savings, after the car has been bought.
All it needs is to communicate properly and you should be fine.
3. No equal division of labour in the house
If you are married to an African man, as most people reading this are, then you know that most men aren’t brought up to be able to do anything in the house and when their mother tried in that department, once they get married, their minds switch off and there is only the ego left.
The ego won’t let them do anything in the house, except provide the bacon. And that is where you can get him. Before you work yourself into the ground, ask for helpers around the house. That way, you even get to spend more time with him.
On the other hand, you could actually split the chores, including the ones that extend far beyond cleaning, like running errands, getting the cars washed, and paying the bills. Then, you could each pick the ones each of you are most comfortable taking on upfront, then divide the few that neither particularly likes doing.
4. Your sex life lacks sparks
All single ladies, who expect that being married or in a long term relationship means sex, ever night, mehn, you are in for a shock. You can get sex, every night but I can assure you, it will not be an awesome experience, all the time.
To now say, without a superb sexual life, the relationship is over, is to pre-empt the future, when sex will be awesome again.
Clearly communicating what you like what you like or dislike, want or don’t want in your sexual relationship will go a long way. You can even make it fun to experiment together. And if these things don’t work, then professional help can make bad sex into better sex, and then great sex. It might turn out that you are not sexually compatible, but you can’t know that from the beginning if you do not try to make it better.
5. Contrasting personalities: extroverts/introvert
They say opposites attract; where one is weak, the other can shore him/her up and do vice versa. On the other hand, if he’s the life of the party and you hate any form of attention, your social schedules could seem like a deal breaker. But with a little compromise, you can find harmony.
Whoever is the introvert needs to get out more and mingle, while the live-wire needs to make time to be a homebody, for the sake of his relationship.
This only needs to be a deal breaker if neither is willing to seek a middle ground.
These five reasons to me shouldn’t be a deal breaker in any relationship, unless there are other underlying factors, which both partners cannot agree on.
Also, kindly share your own deal breakers in a relationship.
Stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.