It will only be foolhardy to believe that couples don’t fight, or have misunderstandings, like some people prefer to call theirs. It is even more fool hardy to come into a relationship with the mentality that there would be no fights. Of course that notion will soon be shattered when the first quarrel comes to life. That person can either rise again from the shadows of that fight, or be too disillusioned to want to give the relationship another chance.
The story of a first fight box was making the rounds on social media recently. On their wedding day, the couple in the video put two champagne flutes, a bottle of the best champagne they could afford, and wrote love letters to each other, detailing why they loved the other person, and then closed the box.
The video went on to state that the box would be opened on the day they have their first fight. Each partner is to pour him/herself a drink, pick the letter meant for them, and retreat to a corner to read the letter, while sipping on the champagne. The whole essence of the exercise is to remind the couple, the reason they are together in the first place. To prepare them for the fact that they will have issues in their relationship but that they will work on it, that they will remember the reason, they got married or were together.
Most couples fight. They have tiffs; one person does something that rubs the other person the wrong way, the other person gets angry, reacts and life goes on. However, the difference between a rofo rofo fight and a healthy fight are the people doing the fighting. Do they know how to fight in a healthy way in a relationship, or they don’t mind going open and dirty. Here are a few ways/rules to healthy fights in your relationship.
Follow the rules
Well, every sport has its rules and regulations; it is pretty much the same way with relationships! There should be rules to guide on how you are going to handle your fights. It is not enough that one partner is trying to fight fair, what’s fair to her, might not be fair to him. So there is need to have rules by which you will fight.
If you don’t have rules, you might want to consider talking to your spouse about having some rules, which both parties must follow. No sense in making rules, which you will not follow.
Well, this one is better said than done, because in the heat of a fight, you can begin to remember past unresolved hurts and issues but that will just not do. Fight based on the issue at hand. If it is over wet towels placed where they should not be, sort it out; don’t go talking about boxers that are also strewn across the room at regular intervals.
While you are still fighting fair, avoid the habit of getting in the final word. Ladies are especially guilty of this but if you want to fight fair and not leave your spouse a broken person with your words, you need to restrain yourself from getting in the last word.
Still fighting fair, you are honour bound to ensure that your partner is fine after you fight.
It does not make sense huh? That the person, you are fighting with, you should care about whether they are fine or not? Well, that’s the difference between slimey, dirty fight and one in a relationship, where both parties love themselves and would not want to willingly inflict injury on the other person. Remember, if your “opponent” walks away broken from a fight, then you have a broken relationship.
Don’t try to make your spouse submit
The new fighting trends are Mixed Martial Arts and Ultimate Fighting. If you have ever watched, it can be gruesome. Your goal is to make your opponent submit. That is not the way to fight right in your relationship. Submission is not a win for your relationship; it takes away from it, and it the trend continues, a day will come when there will be nothing to take away again.
Fight your battles alone
In healthy relationships, partners fight with each other, they fight for each other and alongside each other. They do not go to look for others, to gang up on their partner. Third party influence is the underlined factor. If you must fight, then be ready to take it on alone; don’t go seeking outside help to get someone to tell your spouse to do it your way or point out to him that, he/she had been really bad.
Make up Sex
Well, this is the best part of fighting. At the end of the fight, you get to kiss, hold hands and make love. It’s the best part. However, when make-up sex becomes too often, then you need to check what has been going through. You are not fighting right if this is not included. Just don’t let it be an excuse to continually fight. You can “kiss” even if you don’t have a reason to make up.
Those are the rules to fighting healthily in a relationship. If you have been fighting unfairly before, now you know better. If you have not started, then don’t bother.
Just let love be the overriding thing in your mind, whilst you fight.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.