Just a few days ago, a former colleague, now turned friend, was telling me about a family member of hers, whose fiancée just jilted him and, understandably, he is heartbroken. This was someone he had thought he would spend the rest of his life with.
She’s been nursing him back to health but their conversations are becoming a lot intense, as he goes on a rant of what he had done for his ex and asked if this was how she was going to repay him. Another time, he would reflect on their last few months together and come to the conclusion that there had been signs before now, that she was tired of the relationship and needed to find new horizons. Apparently, it is possible, because this lady, who had been engaged to her fiancé for one year, left and it seems she left for the arms of another man.
Which is why this hurts more for my friend’s family member, and even I hurt for him. But I also think he is better off without her, if she could switch loyalties like that without emotions but hey, I don’t know the full details, just a second-hand account from someone who’s only hearing one side of the story as well.
What struck me most, and the reason I’m writing today, are those signs this heartbroken man claimed to have seen before they broke up, I will focus more on the fights. You see, there are some fights that take place when a break up is imminent, either in a long term relationship or a short term one; a marriage or just a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship.
When you have these fights, it’s time to pay attention, and if you don’t want a break up, it’s time to get to work, fighting for what’s left of the relationships. But if you know you are done, then you can simply stop the fight and take a walk. Below are some of the fights you have:
We shouldn’t have gotten together:
When either partner begins to look back sadly on their early days together, that’s a source of concern. Usually, couples in healthy relationships usually think back fondly on their early days together.
If you’re more inclined to dredge up the negative memories, it doesn’t bode well for your future. When positive memories start to fade, it’s a signal that partners are emotionally distancing themselves from each other
However, if they get to that stage, it shows that they are rewriting their history and trying to find reasons their coming together must have been doomed from the start.
To save the day, if both parties want it, they can make a conscious effort to remind themselves of the good times, even if it means spending a little time clicking through old Facebook photo albums or other albums of memories of their time past.
Why do I have to do all the chores?
This is a timeless fight; however, if it is becoming regular, then there is need to pay attention to it.
Interestingly, men might be doing their relationship a lot more good if they share household chores, suggests a 2015 study from the University of Alberta. It said that people in more egalitarian relationships have higher relationship satisfaction and more sex than couples where only one person ends up doing all the chores.
Apart from the peripheral effects of not sharing household chores, it often signifies deeper issues, usually related to a power imbalance in the relationship; where one person feels they have authority over the other.
Meanwhile, people in relationships who feel that power is fair and balanced generally don’t mind taking on certain chores or responsibilities. This is because at the core of all romantic relationships, people want to feel valued and understood on a deep emotional level. Doing chores shows you value and care for your partner. Shikena.
I’m sorry you feel that way
Forget the sorry in this statement, whoever says this to their partner is nothing but apologetic.
For an apology to mean anything, it has to be genuine. When you tell your spouse “I’m sorry you feel that way” after you get into a heated argument, you’re simply saying, you really don’t care how they feel and that they don’t matter.
Rather than reduce the tension, this sort of apology comes off as condescending and haughty.
Apologies should tell your partner you understand why they feel the way they do and show a willingness to work things through, until they feel better.
On the other hand, apologizing for (which is what’s happening in this case) your partner’s feelings does not convey that you understand where they are coming from. In fact, it shows a distinct lack of willingness to understand.
This is another sign of a possible unhappy future and break-up.
You always do this
Ah! This statement could cause a world war. Nobody likes to be reminded of the things they did decades ago and have the same issue tied to a current one.
If breaking up is not part of your future plans, kindly stay clear of blanket statements when you’re arguing with your partner. Statements like, “You always want to do your own thing or “You always leave the dishes piled up for me to wash.”
Whatever the issue is, the use of accusatory generalizations and words like “never” and “always” tends to lead to resentment and big, overblown fights.
Sometimes people realize they are using these extreme terms and stop themselves, and at other times, they start to believe what they are saying. That’s when it can lead to a big relationship blow-up.
I feel like we’re roommates
Red flag! Red flag!! Red flag!!! Let me state it from the very beginning. No matter how relaxed and how many years a couple might have between them, they are not just roommates.
Once a partner feels the need to make the statement above, it is a major red flag that something is off. While partners in a relationship might complain of not getting enough sex, it should never come to the point where sex happens only on birthdays, anniversaries and other times, it just happens. It shouldn’t.
Once it’s gets there, a break up is imminent.
True, some couples don’t place a priority on sex; however, many more couples feel it’s critical to a satisfying relationship. When sex is put on the back burner, then you are nothing but roommates.
Whoever happens to make this complaint is simply letting it be known that the erotic connection has evaporated and that the lack of sexual contact really is no longer acceptable. The listening partner can heed the meaning behind the complaint, adjust or get ready for a break-up.
These are the five kinds of fights that often precede a break up, because a break up doesn’t happen out of a vacuum. Something must force it. Any of these complaints coming in the form of a fight can do the trick.
Avoids the fights, stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.