As a young girl (and I’m still young), I used to read romance novels a lot. They were my investments! By the time I left home, my mom threw away a big Ghana-must-go bag of my treasured novels. I asked her not to throw them away, as it felt to me that she was throwing away her own money. True in a sense, as her money bought those books. She didn’t listen to me. She threw them away after my book vendor had picked his choice from the lot.
Where am I going? Those books painted some unrealistic pictures in my mind that even today, I find hard to let go. It was always a case of the perfect man was out there somewhere, waiting to find me. He was supposed to be one tall, sexy man, with a beautiful soul, who allowed me have my way more often than not. He was also as romantic as heck. Let’s just say, he was an embodiment of both great body and mind, who loved me like no one else. He would be my soul mate, the one guy, with whom my soul would connect with instinctively without effort.
We never met!
Or maybe when we met, the connection was not instantaneous, or he was not super sexy, or he did not allow me have my way always, or he was not romantic. Or he simply did not exist! Which I think is almost true, except a tiny part of me, still believes the soul mate theory. I have seen couples that can only be described as soul mates. Perhaps its work on their part. You know, you meet a couple, and they have this telepathy thing going on between them, complete its each other sentences, and cannot stay for long without the other partner. Yes, they do exist.
However, the reality is, not many people will ever find their soul mate, not every one will have that one person who completes their soul, with whom loving takes no thought; it just happens, even when they hurt you and break your heart to tiny irreplaceable pieces, you just can’t hate them. You just can’t. Not all of us will find that one person. So what do you do?
One meme that I saw on social media provided an answer somewhat. It went along the lines of, if you can’t find the right person, all you need do is go to the left side and bring him to the right side, shikena! I assure you, the meme online was really funny. But the truth is, that meme has an element of truth in it.
With your tall, dark and handsome list, not to mention the additions of, he must be rich and romantic, you might be in for a long wait and if you are waiting for a lady that’s 100,000 yards wife materials, not to mention sexy as Beyoncé, and always looking on point, you are definitely on a looong thing.
The problem with this whole searching for soul mate business is, we give power to one person to determine, whether we will be happy or not, whether we will live life to the full, or not. Imagine waiting, and wasting precious time, longing after an ideal, time that could have been used to love another person, or even live life to the full.
As a marriage counsellor once noted, “There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: the fear of God.”
Fear of God alongside these attributes; if you find them in a guy or lady, know that, if they are not your soul mate, they certainly bear strong semblance to the real deal.
Generosity: The first quality to seek in a soul mate is generosity. While you should not expect to receive the world on a silver platter, your partner should, however, offer unconditional help when you’re in need. Remember, this generosity is not all about material things; your partner should be charitable with time, attention, love, dedication, and assistance. And not necessarily to only you too.
Responsiveness: Seek a partner who is responsive. And by that, I don’t mean someone who cries a lot! I mean someone who’s attuned to the world around them; someone who connects to your needs through emotional intimacy. Beware of settling with a partner who is ignorant to your emotions; you will always find yourself telling them the same thing over and over again, and it will go in one ear and come out the other.
Self-love: The way in which someone treats or doesn’t themselves is reflective of the way in which they will treat you. If your partner self-destructs in whatever form, it will be a very tough call for them to build you up in any way. If they pay little or no attention to their home, job, belongings, health, or appearance, chances are they won’t be able to lend you the care you want and deserve. Look for someone who handles themselves responsibly and gently so that they can extend such behavior to you.
Commitment: Lasting relationships are the deeply fulfilling bond we ultimately crave, not hot romances that begin and end too quickly. You must be able to depend on someone for the long term; a partner, who not only wants to conserve a relationship for the rest of their life, but one is not afraid of the work involved. It is pretty easy to fall for a hot romance with a short lifespan but it is infinitely more rewarding to go for that relationship that will not fizzle out.
Even if you do not meet your soul mate for whatever reasons, settle for the next best thing, literally, and work on it.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.