“Aha, omo, see this babe, she is so my type. I think I will be sliding into her DM oh” TY said with a twinkle in his eyes.
I knew exactly where he was going. We have been having this type of conversation for months. All the same, I slid over and took a look at his phone screen. Behold, it was one of the most beautiful entertainers making waves in town these days.
From his screen, I looked at him and we both burst into laughter and chorused, “But you don’t have money.”
Yes, that was how we always ended our discussions about his numerous crush on all the tall slim ladies on the Lagos social scene.
TY is a married man with a pregnant wife. He’s a hustler and, although he makes no bones about the fact that he loves his wife, he’s always stalking these celebs on social media and sometimes I worry that, if indeed he had the kind of money that he thinks these girls would be interested in, not even his professed love for his wife would stop him.
Now, to TY’s wife, she is a beautiful woman; soft spoken with brains, as she holds a dynamic position at work, and obviously earns a whole lot more than her husband does. Is that an issue? Sometimes it could be, as he sometimes shares his frustration over how his wife still expects him to pick all the tabs for their household expenses, even though she earns more than he does.
TY wants a ‘fair-sharing’ of expenses, but his wife isn’t always cooperative, after all, he is the man, and besides, they were yet to have a child. To his chagrin, I agree with TY’s wife. The truth is, if she starts splitting household expenses with him, now that they don’t have children, will she continue splitting school fees when the babies come along too?
There’s nothing wrong in pooling resources together for the family, but sometimes, you just want the man to be a man. Let him provide the bread nau. Now, that’s my African lady alter-ego talking, and the truth is there are many people who think along this line, so the issue of money causing challenges in a relationship will always come up, but it takes both parties involved to ensure their relationship doesn’t sink as a result of it.
However, relationship issues stemming from finance can serve as pointers that all is not well in a relationship, and that a divorce may even be imminent, if someone doesn’t step on the brakes. Here are a few of the signs.
Someone is hiding money:
Did you ever hear that phrase, “His money is our money, but my money is my money”? It’s so true for some women, so they plot, scheme and sometimes, hide their money in plain sight. You can see it, but your hand will not touch it, in fact, it is not considered part of the family income.
This habit can start from keeping change from a purchase, to even stuffing away hundreds or thousands in a hidden bank account in the Cayman Islands.
It’s not a marital sin to have separate accounts, whether they are checking or savings, so long as you are transparent about them and agree that what is yours is yours, and what is his or hers is theirs.
The difficulty arises when one person stumbles upon a bank or financial statement about an account they had no idea about. Openly sharing such an account would have been the prudent thing to do before entering the marriage or when he/she sets up the account after tying the knot
Someone is reckless with money:
Often times, both partners in a relationship don’t have same attitude to money; one is a spender and the other is saver.
Obviously, this is going to lead to friction, as the saver will always think the spender is being reckless.
While the saver may be over reacting, not all spending is reckless but some can be, like spending on addictions. Then, someone needs some talking too and therapy if needed.
Who is in charge of the money?
When a couple decides and agrees upon who will handle the monthly bill-paying and/or who will call the shots on many major money matters, the marriage seems to go smoothly.
Issues over control are always at the center of any divorce; most of them dealing with money.
Dishonesty with money:
If your mate suggests you cut corners, that may be a pointer to the fact that he or she will cheat you, too.
No long term financial commitments:
Committing to a long-term savings approach is a great way to bond for couples. When that is not there, there is an element of anything goes and that can have serious consequences for a marriage.
What are your long-terms goals as a couple? Start talking, planning and saving now for your future. Long-term goals such as a home purchase, college education for children or retirement security can take years of planning and disciplined saving. Make sure you are both making progress toward those long-term goals so that you can celebrate reaching milestones together.
Letting resentment build up over money:
The only way to avoid resentment is to address problems as soon as they arise. The worst thing you can do for your relationship is withhold how you’re feeling, especially about money.
The main challenge is often how to address the issue in a manner that will not be hurtful to your partner, so most partners tend to avoid them, but that won’t solve any problems.
Ignoring the small red flags and brushing them under the rug, lead to a pile up and keeps growing between the two of you that it becomes difficult to bring up.
Whether, it’s small or big, talk about it…ASAP.
Stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.