I have been on both sides of an heart break; I have been the one calling it quits and I have also been dumped! But sometimes, it still hurts as though I was only a victim. Maybe because the girls I broke their hearts are happily married now, or because I have apologized to them the few times we ran into each other. Isioma is living in Canada with her family, and we sometimes catch up on BBM, while Dolapo stays in Abuja with her husband and son, and also has a thriving business. So in my head, I don’t feel like I did permanent damage to anybody. On the other hand, Becky did me some semi-permanent damage. I say semi-permanent, because I don’t want to curse myself by acknowledging that I am damaged for life.
To the one looking from outside, I have everything going well for me. My IT business is doing just fine, with huge prospects for the future and I am engaged to the most beautiful, down to earth, intelligent woman…after my mother. Nelo brings so much light, laughter and joy into my world, that I now understand why it never worked with anyone else. Chinelo (her full name) is my soul mate and we have been engaged for about five months now, and we plan to get married as soon as she completes her masters program. Unfortunately, no matter how happy I am with her, I go to bed every night with the fear of her leaving me for another man.
This was exactly what Becky did. We started dating in our second year in the university and we were together till we graduated. We had talked about marriage and I was making plans to marry her as soon as we completed NYSC. During service year, I was posted to Lagos and while she was serving in Abuja. Four months into NYSC, my girlfriend started driving a Toyota Corolla and told me it was an official car as she was the P.A. to the MD of the company she was serving at. My naive brain couldn’t understand how she quickly went from corper to P.A. in months, and I attributed it to God’s grace. I was happy for her. Soon, she started flying to various countries and got too busy for me. She even started making excuses whenever I wanted to go visit her or asked her to come see me. I tried not to complain much, because I felt she was just busy trying to build her career and I needed to support her.
One day, I had an impromptu trip to make to Abuja and I excitedly wanted to use the opportunity to see Becky, but she wasn’t picking my calls. I waited for hours in the office of the person my boss sent me to, and when I finally collected the documents, it was too late to get back to Lagos. So I called my boss, explained circumstances to him and promised to be back in Lagos on the first flight the next day. Not wanting to waste any money on hotels, I took a cab to Becky’s place but she wasn’t around. I waited for about fifteen minutes before her neighbor informed me that “Becky hardly stays home these days, she is mostly at Honourable’s guest house”. My heartbeat tripled and I felt my head spinning. “Who is Honourable?” I asked quietly. Honourable turned out to be Becky’s boss and sugar daddy. How I got the address of the guest house, went there and got the embarrassment of my life is another day’s story. I came back to Lagos; angry, bitter, broken.
For a long while after that, I was pretty much the playboy. I did not believe that any girl could be sincere and I acted terribly towards ladies. Until I met Chinelo. Most of the girls I came across in my playboy days were easy to get, once you flashed money in their faces; but Nelo wasn’t like that. She did not ask for anything and even rejected my offers.
We hit it off and soon became love birds; and five months ago, I proposed to her and she said YES!! Unfortunately, I sometimes get these chills when I imagine her leaving me. And I think that’s the thing with bad experiences; you never really forget about it. I stay focused on the positive however; the fact that I have an amazing girl who agreed to marry me. I try not to generalize and assume that all ladies are the same. I believe I would really be a loser if I allowed the thoughts of what Becky did to me ruin my present relationship. I admit that I get scared sometimes of losing my Nelo, but it only makes me put in more effort and trust everything into God’s hand.
The key to moving on from a terrible experience is not in having amnesia, but in learning to live with the reality of the past and also having faith in the future. Take each day as it comes, and fight whatever challenge that each new day brings. Slowly but surely, you would be able to get over your past hurt and relish what you have at present. It would be a terrible mistake to judge everyone you meet today, based on how you were treated in the past. Yes, I was scarred and I am still scared, but I fight my demons daily and everyday I win.
Food for thought!
After years of floating in the dating wilderness, Obiora is happily engaged to his soul mate. He has been on both sides of the breakup spectrum, meaning he has dumped and been dumped. He has felt heartache raw and stinging, and has learnt a lot of lessons along the way.