Relationship Diaries: If I Stay


I dated this guy for a year and a half. I was with him the summer before sophomore year, all of summer year, the summer after sophomore year, and half of junior year. So that relationship alone takes up most of my high school experience… I look back on memories and they’re all with him. It kinda sucks because even to this day, I am over him completely but I still see myself with only him. I think the sole reason for that is because of how comfortable I was with him and he never ever judged me, and he didn’t even want sex, and i feel like I won’t have that with anyone else.

He had so many flaws, and there were more things I didn’t like than things that I did, and our relationship would not work out, but i still see myself with him. I’m just afraid that I’ll never find that with anyone else, and starting over with anyone else just seems so scary and it’s like starting all over from the very beginning… falling in love all over again, and to be honest I don’t even want to do that because he hurt me so bad because I was so in love and I do not want that to happen again… however I cannot spend my life in fear.

For some odd reason, I feel like I am starting to spiral back down into my sadness. I can’t figure out why, but I feel like I have lost most of my happiness just over the course of a few hours. Maybe it is because Tommy doesn’t like have feelings for me back, or because I feel like my best friend, but whatever it is, I just feel like I am going back into a deep dark hole that was so hard to crawl out of. I want to stop it before it gets too bad, but I just don’t know how to stop it. It makes me sad knowing that no matter how hard I try, I just cannot completely prevent it. It really sucks.

I’m watching the movie “If I Stay” and it makes me really want a relationship like the one Mia and Adam have. When she is in the hospital, he forgets all the problems that they had and goes there to be with her. She is so important to her that he tries whatever he can to get to see her. I want a boyfriend who will care that much about me, and fight for me, and show me he loves me and how important he is to me. I don’t understand why that is so hard to find… oh wait, yeah I do. It’s because technology. Everything revolves around that.

All relationships are now is communicating through texts and asking out on dates through texts, and texts that their at your house and conversations through texts and nothing happens in person anymore and it’s sad. I want a boyfriend who shows me how important I am to him by actions not words, I want a boyfriend who will come to my door to pick me up not text me, I just want someone who will say “fuck the texting and social media”. Yeah, being shown off online shows everyone that I’m important to him but it takes more than pictures and statuses and tweets to prove that to me. I just want a romance like in the movies, because in movies, they aren’t based off social media.


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