Just 4 months short to my 6th wedding anniversary I came to know why my husband really married me! It was like enlightenment. At the same time I could feel the ground beneath my feet collapse. It was a strange feeling.
For years I had struggled to know why he really married me, if not for love. I made many assumptions and accosted him often. But he was insouciant to my pain and suffering. As a man he walked off saying he cannot emotionally connect to me. So? That’s it?
If not your wife, I am your son’s mother. As a mother, show me some respect. Withered my hope, from being sad to being indifferent, my emotions had evolved over the years.
But he was still the same, unruffled by my presence.
It was a usual Tuesday night, the first week of August 2014, that I googled and got the answer to my questions. I felt silly for not having seen the obvious reason for so many reasons. How stupid I was! All these years it was just under my nose. How could I have not seen it?
I felt light after knowing the reason. At the same time I felt cheated. All the love which he had shown me before marriage seemed like a honey trap and I the naive girl who fell in it.
I now had the answers why my husband avoided coming close to me. I recall on our honeymoon I kept telling him that I feel like a tourist and less like a honeymooner. Why are we visiting museums, aquariums and doing sightseeing like a tourist? Why are we not spending time getting cozy, taking the day as we want, at our pace?
Few months later, we went to Europe for 17 days. Again, we toured the countries like tourists, making love not once. I just blamed the hectic itinerary. I was happy to be with the person I loved the most, and believed the same for him.
I stayed in a joint family, with inlaws. I now understand why my husband would come upstairs to spend time with me after dinner, post 11 pm. Then he had to watch television till 2 or 3 am. Else he could not sleep. How gullible I was, I believed him! I would try to sleep by myself for months. He would join me when I have already slept, tired of waiting for him.
On days when he was at home, either of his parents would find some work for him in the afternoon. That’s the time, when I expected a siesta holding him by my side. How like a perfect son, he would hop on his bike and rush to get things from a nearby market which offered discounts. Thus, he got tired after coming back, watch tv to relax or just crash on the bed.
I loved shopping and he liked accompanying me. Well that’s before my marriage. Post the D-day he suddenly found it an unbearable chore to accompany me to markets or go out. The silly me thought it to be the universal ‘married man phenomenon’.
After our first anniversary, my MIL wanted us to have a baby. She asserted that once we have a child our fights would cease. Well yes, I complained of the less time my husband spent with me, and believed it to be inlaws’ effect. Because he loved me before getting married, or rather his words and actions showed love. Those days he was the perfect gentleman, chivalrous, everything that a woman looks for in her life partner. But that was the day before I tied the knot.
We went to Thailand. That was the only time when he came close to me often. And I conceived. The romantic in me dreamt of a peaceful and happy family with our junior. Silly me!
Things actually dint get any better after my child was born. And my husband just evolved. He would always demean me and hardly interact. I was made to feel that I cant take care of my baby by myself. Which woman becomes a perfect mother from day 1? With the birth of a child, a mother is born. They learn and grow together. I being no exception.
Actually, the signs were always there. It once crossed my mind, but he thundered that he has fathered my child. I agreed. After all these years of faking a happy married life to the world, somewhere I had broken from inside. Why will a husband stop talking to a wife if the house was not arranged and prim and proper? Why will he not blame the full time maid for housework? Why will he find reasons so that he doesn’t have to come near me, talk to me, hold my hand, spend time with me, go out with me, shower me with gifts or make me feel special and loved ever?
I remember how I used to wail and cry in front of his mother, tell him the details, on how a man avoids his wife. She would have no expression on her face and said things will change. It never did, not did she speak to anyone about it.
When after 4.5 years, I raised the issue with his uncle-aunt, my parents, his parents, I am surprised why no one could guess that something could be wrong with him. We eventually went to a marriage counselor. I told her there is something in my husband’s mind, please try to read it. Told her that he avoids even emotional support, has not touched me for close to two years, staying in the same room with me. Why couldn’t that woman guess that something could be wrong with my husband. She easily bought his theory that since I am not very good at time management, keep repeating same mistakes, that’s why he doesn’t come close to me, the reason we no longer had our relationship.
Why didn’t anyone, mostly married try to understand or even guess that something could be wrong with my husband. Why else a man in his early thirties avoid or simply not react seeing his wife naked on bed? Destiny probably. Or no one knew that such a thing can happen to someone we know. It happens on tv shows and to others, but not us.
After all these years, I had the answer. But I needed to be doubly sure before I speak up. I spoke to my parents and doctors. The ignorant me finally got the insight to my life. My husband was a sexual dysfunction man. Shocked! Yes I was. Such men can have children. The other reasons which the doctors’ gave was either he is gay or he has an affair. I doubt the latter. I would have been happier had he been in a relationship and gave me an easy exit.
One of the doctor smirked when I informed that we may have been physical around 20 times in more than 5 years. Such marriages don’t last 6 months, how could it survive 5 years, he said. I felt such an idiot in love, blindly in love. In love with the man who actually never loved me. Ouch…this feeling actually hurts. But after all these years, and knowing the rude truth, I am in a much calmer zone now.
Irony is.. I always wanted to write a novel on relationship with a story close to my heart, never realized I was part of one all these years!
Culled from www.womendiaries.com