Men’s Corner: When Do You Tell Her You Have Kids

Sometimes since having kids there have been times that I’ve felt like I couldn’t fully express to people that I’m a father…

I know this is something that friends of mine have experienced as well.

It’s like something was holding us back.

And even though I am a big part of my children’s lives, support them and take care of them, sometimes, when talking to people I just couldn’t naturally and fluently tell them in conversation.

I have put this down to a deep seeded, socially conditioned belief in…

Social stigma and outcome dependence.

The stigma: That all young parents are ‘meant’ to be drop kicks who leech off the system and don’t add anything to society…

Or who can’t be good parents because of a lack of maturity and knowledge, feeding their kids coke in bottles for breakfast.

Whatever the reason(s) may be…

They are all things created in your own mind.

Those sorts of stereotypes are only true for you if you believe it to be so.

If you believe you can be clumped into these groups then you are imposing limitations and rules on yourself.

I know that you are going to be the kind of Dad that is kicking goals, making the hard decisions and supporting your children in a multitude of ways.

So next time you get that feeling like something is holding you back at those moments when kids came up in conversation or people ask what your living situation is…

Push through the pain and just be open. It can be hard at first  but gets easier with time.

When it comes to being able to tell women that you have kids, being outcome dependent is what I’ve found to be the biggest sticking point.

 Outcome dependence is being worried about what her reaction is going to be and therefore what the outcome of your interaction will be.

Will she run?

Will she go cold?

Will it be weird?

I know, it can be hard to just bring up kids in conversation…

On the one hand you don’t want to feel like you’re lying to her by holding out such a big piece of information about your life,

But at the same time you don’t want to ‘scare’ her away by telling her straight off the bat.

Being in this frame of mind is not the right place to start.
Where you must begin is within!

In my experience, the calmer and more at peace you are with your situation, the more likely you are to sub-communicate how relaxed YOU are which will translate into HER being more relaxed too.

Ie. If it is OK with you, then it will be OK with her.

It is always better to be honest and open. Own your situation or it will own you.

Remember that having kids isn’t what defines you,

And yes women may not want to hang out or date you for the simple fact that you have kids…

It doesn’t happen that much, but when it does it can hurt

And that is ok…

Where there is pain or discomfort there is also opportunity to grow.

So, when it comes to trying to meet new women when you have kids,

It’s your perception of your situation that will hold you back.

Not just the fact that you have kids.

Perception is reality.

Culled from http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/when-to-tell-her-you-have-kids-dg/

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