I’m a firm believer in a balance of power in a relationship.
What that means is that each person is abundantly clear that if they don’t respect and support their partner’s key needs, their partner will choose to exit — out of love and respect for themselves.
A great percentage of the men I work with want more consistent sex in their relationships with women. Hell, some of them just want any sex. What they’re asking for is not unreasonable and yet their needs are often treated as such.
Even though these men’s most basic needs to feel loved and secure within their relationship is denied—many, over years — they stay and passively hope for change. Unfortunately, in staying they feed an imbalance of power that only further reinforces their needs not being met.
For the most part, these men simply want what they thought a marriage promised them—that their human needs would be honored and respected, namely their need for sex.
Now I’m going to make a big leap here that may upset or even frighten some men. And that leap is to say that if you don’t have a sexual relationship that is consistent and excellent it’s because you haven’t made NOT having it a deal breaker.
You have other deal breakers, I imagine, right? Cheating on you? Clearing out your bank account in secret? Calling you nasty names, perhaps?
But making sex a deal breaker takes serious balls. I know I’ve coached enough men to get there, and getting them there was like asking them to jump off of a cliff without a parachute.
But when you take that giant leap things change fast.
Women have a lot of reasons for not giving you the sex you want. They believe their reasons are good and reasonable. I’ve used many of those “good” reasons myself to push a man away. But all that changed many years ago when a partner of mine laid it on the line for me. We’d been together three years and I’d begun to consistently turn down his offers for sex…
He sat me down and confronted me on it. He told me that he had no interest in going to go down that road with me. I’ll never forget the power in his eyes, or the respect I felt for him. I was riveted. He clearly meant business.
He told me that our not having consistent, good sex was a deal breaker for him. In that moment I felt the wind of his exit. I felt what my life would be like without him. And I knew that wasn’t my choice. He’d been down the painful road of sexual disconnection before, and truthfully, so had I. Neither of us wanted that.
His standing for what he needed caused me to choose him once again, and it pushed me to be more of who I wanted to be in my relationship—a deep and uninhibited lover.
You see, we all go to our places to hide in love. Women tend to go to no sex. Men tend to go to no emotion. In any case, we find our ways of avoiding the nakedness of intimacy.
Making sex a deal breaker was a gift to both of us. It demonstrated love and leadership and inspired me to step up my game. I have since consistently taken responsibility for making my sexual relationships truly wonderful and fulfilling.
So, your question might be: should you go to your wife or partner and give her an ultimatum? Definitely not. That’s not the energy you want to bring.
What you want to do is stand for yourself with respect and dignity—as my partner did that day. There were no threats — just his loving truth. You want to tell her that one of your most important relationship needs is not being met, and that, that troubles you, deeply.
And that while you have no interest in demanding that she fulfill that need, you will need to consider other options outside of a sexless or nearly sexless relationship (if she has no interest) because you love and respect yourself that much, and because you love her.
Of course, you need to mean what you say. And when you do, you will feel dignified. Your woman will look at you differently from that moment forward. She’ll have that light in her eye—the light of a woman who respects you – because you stand for what matters to you.
You will also feel like a man who deserves to have exactly what he wants, and you will affect that balance of power that is so necessary between you — in order for your love to grow in pleasure and mutual respect.