Men’s Corner: 12 Things Guys Do After A Break Up

If you think most guys are so cold-blooded that they can pass right through Splitsville without stopping once for a good cry break, well, you’re wrong. Life is hard for a guy in pain. And in the weeks—or maybe months—after your break up, he’ll probably spend a little time in each of the following 12 rest stops.

Get drunk and call our friends
We have feelings to talk about, and we need booze to lubricate the process. This is how healing begins.
Something the ex wouldn’t approve of
It’s frustratingly imperative that we prove this ex was a burden to us, holding us back from all our fun-time vices. You don’t like it when we watch cartoons and eat cereal in our underwear at 3 p.m. on a Saturday? Well, you’re not the boss. Similarly, if we want to stumble in drunk at 2 a.m. and crash around the kitchen while we make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, we’ll do it. And remember all those times you complained about smokers? Well we just bought a pack of cigarettes, and we‘re going to smoke them until we’re sick. Take that!

Stop changing the sheets
Because who cares?

Think about our other exes
You’ve poisoned our spank bank, and now all our best masturbation-worthy memories involve you. But ancient girlfriends? They’re fair game. We can still kind of remember what they looked like naked—it’s all the T&A with none of the boner-killing emotion.

Watch Porn
You know—the more we think about those exes, the more we remember why we stopped having sex with them in the first place. But porn women? They’ll never say mean things to us or make promises they can’t keep. Thank you, porn women. Thank you for not being our ex-girlfriends.

Facebook stalk you
Are you having more fun than us? It looks like you’re having more fun than us! WHY THE HELL ARE YOU HAVING MORE FUN THAN US!? ARE YOU NOT IN PAIN?!

Drunkenly make out with random women
Our first attempts at life back in the sexual wild will be awkward. Depending on the severity of the situation (re: how drunk are we?), we may even start rambling about you—about how you did us wrong, and how you’ll regret it—after we’ve drunkenly thrown ourselves onto another woman. “I’m stotally olver her,” we might slur, as we slosh more beer onto ourselves. “I lowve ywou now.”

Get in better shape
Eventually, we realize we’ve felt like garbage for weeks. And we’ve packed on a few pounds, too. So we hit the gym to work it off, but in the process, we realize: Hey, if I keep this up, I’ll get so fit that she’ll wish she’d never left me. It’s not necessarily that we want you back—we just really want you to want us back.

Upgrade our wardrobes
This is turning into a total transformation. You’re going to regret the day you left us. Now, we’re looking good. Damn good.

Look for you in public places
We scan the crowds at places we think we may find you. We imagine what your reaction will be. Our hope is that you’ll gaze upon us with a wisp of nostalgia in your eye. You may even invite us to go grab a cup of coffee. But, you know, we have to run now. We have a thing to get to. That cup of coffee will have to wait. But it was really good seeing you. It really was.

Start to get over it
Eventually, we stop thinking about you all the time. By no coincidence, this sometimes happens around the same time we start to have feelings for other women. When we go on dates, we feel good about it. We finally don’t feel like we’re cheating on the ex. We realize we’re single guys in the dating scene, and that’s not so bad.

And finally, wish you the best
At some point our mourning is complete, and we stop hoping you’re miserable. You’re a good person, and you deserve the best. (Even though we sometimes secretly assume that your new boyfriend has mommy issues and a small penis.) Seriously, we’re glad things are going so great for you. We really, really are.

 

Culled from http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/how-men-get-over-breakups

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