Marrying The One We Love Vs Loving The One We Are With

Often times, the heart wants what the heart wants. It does not matter the logical reasoning put up to dissuade it. And in instances where the heart rules the head, then  it gets its way but at what consequences?!

We are in an age, where you’re told to marry the one you love.  To marry for love. While that is a fantastic proposition, as love strengthens a marriage, but what about if you meet the love of your life at the wrong time in your life? What if you were too young to recognise that love? What if you were already married to someone else before that love came along? What if you had to let go of that love of your life, in order to live at all? Plenty questions you might say but they are questions that are the everyday challenge of some  people. Some of these people shared their stories with us.

Tomisin had been jambite of 19 years old, when she came across Ladi, a year two student in her department in the university. Theirs had been purely friendship at first but it had grown into more over time. They were referred to as smallie lovers, but it did not matter to them. They were just into each other.

As they grew though, new experiences beckoned and Tomisin, being of an adventurous nature wanted to explore. She left under the excuse that she wanted to live her life to the fullest, before she left for the outside walls of the university. She did not want to be tied down to one man, when she could be so much more.

It hurt Ladi to see her go,  but her heart was no longer with him  so he had no choice but to let go.  He was crushed and struggled so much with his final year examinations.  His result for  that semester was the worst ever. A true reflection of the state of his heart.

Tomisin truly enjoyed life, she explored her surroundings, the men available.  She went from one meaningless and short-lived relationship to another. She fell in love and then fell out of love again. Guys fell in love with her, but no one was like Ladi.

Ladi’s ghost refused to die and it usually showed up at the most inopportune time. Times, when she was crushed from yet another heart ache. Thoughts of what they had would flood her mind; the way, he held her arms, looked into her eyes. The way he enjoyed pleasing her, even to the detriment of himself.

As she grew older, she slowly came to the realisation that perhaps, Ladi was supposed to be her one true love in life but she had been too young to see him for who he was. Ladi became the litmus test for all her boyfriends and even subsequently her husband, who turned out to be Ladi.

Yes, she went back into the arms of her true love and that was when she truly started to live again. Their was no more wander lust in her soul. She had purged herself of all that after settling into married life.

It was purely luck that Tomisin  was able to get a second chance with Ladi.   He had dated too, but his heart had always belonged to Tomisin, he gave her it, since he was young and did not know how to take it back.

Tomisin got a second chance at her real  once in a lifetime love but not everyone is so lucky.


Not everyone will. Kate is a married woman. Unfortunately, she’s currently not happy in her marriage. Why you ask? She wished she had married the man she loved instead of the man, she married and now have kids with.

Kate did not meet her love until two years into her marriage. She had thought, she was a very content and happy wife with a doting husband and baby, until  she met Francis and her world got turned upside down.  

That man touched all the right spots with her. When they met, they had been instinctively drawn to each other and the first question he had asked was if she was married. Her answer had left him disappointed but he still could not stop wanting to talk to her, to see  if he could spend some moment with her.

And every time, they spoke, they sat down to gist, the feelings grew.  He understood so many things that her husband did not. He said the right things. He even confessed his love for her and wished, she wasn’t yet married. Honestly, it was sincere, at least, she could feel that in him.

They went their separate ways, knowing it was never going to work out between them, but their separation did not starve their love.  It grew. There have been calls out of the blues, because either party couldn’t hold him or herself.

Even though, she did not get physical with Francis, she might as well have, as her emotions and body has definitely gone down that route in her mind. She is constantly judging and wishing she was anywhere else but with her husband and the man can sense it. Only he doesn’t know what his competition is.

For another couple,  Chris and Ayo.  They met but were in different times and seasons of their lives. Chris was a busy investment banker, who as on a fast track career wise, given what he had been able to get done in mere three years. Ayo on the other hand was a teacher, she simply lacked the drive and  ambition to do something else, even though,  Chris tried to make her do so. She just couldn’t make that shift.

Oh their love was overwhelming, it was beautiful just to see them together. They were an unlikely pair but they were together. Chris made time for her, regardless of his hectic schedule. Ayo found ways to mark his life even easier with her caring touches.

However, it ended. Love on its own was not enough to override the basic differences in their outlook to life and drive. It was a painful decision but one they took, knowing their paths in life were not the same.


Neither of them has gotten married or were in a serious relationship yet. I guess the ghost of their relationship refused to be buried. Chris and Ayo might find their way back into each other’s arm or not, should they ever realise, they could not live without the other,  in spite of their different outlooks on life.

Like earlier stated, marrying someone you love is a huge deal but there comes a time in marriage when love and your emotions are just not enough. You need more to get through. A time, when it will take conscious effort on your part to get through. It will no longer be by the strength of your feelings but by the conscious thought to love.  

Then, love becomes action, rather than feelings. At that time, it will not really matter, if you married for love or not.

So  you might as well consciously love the person you’re with flaws and  all. After all, you ain’t perfect yourself.

Love the one you marry and stop waiting on a knight in shining armour to rescue you out of your dreary life. It’s not going to happen.

The grass is not necessarily greener on the other side and if it truly were, then the other person has been carefully tending their field. Tend yours too  and watch it grow.

Stay in love! :carebear:  



Kristine is a member of  The Lovelint team. She  is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.

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