Shalewa’s boyfriend was constantly sharing his mother’s opinion whenever they discussed matters and he would go on to say that he would speak to his mother concerning the matter at stake to know what she thought especially, if they had not come to a conclusion on what to do.
Every time their discussion headed that way, Shalewa would literally go silent on Ben but he was not picking up on the vibe. He just thought she was thinking about the matter at hand but no, she was thinking about how she was ever going to cope if they got married, as there would be three of them in the marriage; Ben, his mother and herself.
It did not matter that she actually thought highly of his mother and believed that she was a great woman who often thought logically about issues than most women she knew. But she knew they were not going to continue like that. Something had to change.
And it did change the day they had a burst up over how long they should date. While Ben thought they had dated enough and should get engaged at least, Shalewa said she would considering it too but made the cheeky remark, that she did not want to be married to two people. Ben was quick to pick up on that though as he wondered what she was talking about and that was when Shalewas opened up about how she felt about his attachment to his mother,
The next thing he said pretty much confirmed the suspicion of Shalewa. His mother had given the green light for him to get engaged to her. And at the appropriate time for her, they would get married. To which, Shalewa added that they might just need her permission to get intimate with each other and then have kids or even send those kids to school. Right?
All Shalewa’s fears were coming to reality. Her potential mother in law had her boyfriend in her pocket and determined his life’s path. It was a huge fight they had that day, as she stated how she felt about the domineering presence of his mother in his life. And she threw down the gauntlet as she told Ben, she might never marry him, if his mother’s opinion would always be more important to him than her own opinion.
Ben was forced to assess his relationship with his mother. Yes, she was very important to him, in fact, she meant the whole world to him. She had been the only responsible parent in his life, his father could care less whether he was alive or not. She was not just his mother, she was his friend, thus, he always discussed all matters with her. And the fact that she liked Shalewa meant, they had so many chats about Shalewa. She was the one who had even asked him, when he was going to marry her, since he was still so in love with her even after three years of dating her.
He could not understand Shalewa’s grouse with his attachment to his mom. In the end, he did only what he knew how to do. He went to the only person who would not turn him away; his mother. When he explained his earlier altercation with Shalewa to his mother, she was sympathetic but also told him, Shalewa was right. Ben was shocked that for once, his mother would not take his side in an argument. She told him, she would never marry a man like him, a man too attached to his mother. A man who would not let go of his mother’s apron strings and be a real man. He was shocked out of his mind.
In the end, she told him, this was a conversation they should have had a long time ago but she was selfish and had craved the attention and pedestal he had put her on but in the end, if he was to move forward in life, then she had to stay in her place as his mother, not his confidant. That role was for his wife and it looked as though Shalewa was ready to step into the role.
The words of his mother shook him and the foundation of his world. He is yet to seek out Shalewa to settle their rift but he knows he will eventually have to but he needed to go back her, a better man than the one she last saw.
However, Chisom deals with this reality in her marriage; after five years and three kids. Her husband still talks to his mother about every move of theirs. But then, what do you expect, when same mother had handpicked Chisom for her son, sending away the ex girlfriend of her husband, so she could marry him.
Before, they got married; her mother in law was her ally. Anything she wanted and her fiancé was proving stubborn, she called in the MIL vanguard and she got what she wanted and that did not change for some time in the early days of their marriage but when her husband continued to visit his mom before coming home every day, she knew something was wrong.
Rather than come home to her and then only child, Chisom’s husband would first of all stop over at his mother’s place, chat and even have dinner over there before he would come home. Chisom could not count the number of dinners she had had to pack away because her husband was already full from his mother’s cooking.
In the end, when she tried to talk to him about his over-dependence on his mom, she was told to shove it, as she had met him like that. He went on to remind her that she was not even his first choice for a wife but his mother’s and he had accepted it because he loved his mother and she always knew what was best for him. Not to mention how Chisom had always gotten what she wanted from him through his mother. Besides, his mother was a widow, who needed to be looked after.
Chisom was floored, where was she to start addressing the issue; from the fact that she was not her husband’s first choice of a wife, to using her MIL to get stuffs from her husband or the widowhood part. In the end, she burst out that she was now his wife and they should plan together, not wait for him to pass it by his mother before, they could do anything. It was a pathetic situation. And one, she barely managed, as the foundation was already faulty. Wouldn’t you say?
From the stories of Chisom and Shalewa, it is pretty obvious that there are two types of Momma’s boy, the ones who know and accept it and the man who doesn’t know. It also showed the two moms’ dispositions towards their son’s dependence on them. Let it be known that there is nothing wrong with being a Momma’s boy, because, it is only natural to form an attachment with the person you knew first in your life, right from inside the womb but when that attachment stops you from being the man, you should be, then there’s a problem.
If your mother becomes the crutch you lean on through life, the one who stops you from being the best of yourself either intentionally or not, then its time to cut the strings. In this process, only the man can save himself, no one else.
Well Chisom is praying for divine intervention, to break loose her husband from his mother’s apron strings. I hope her prayers gets answered soon otherwise, she might very well not be married, for all the attention she is paid by her husband.
Cut the strings holding you back and move forward; at least, that’s what Men do.