Making it work, the second time around: relationships after divorce


It was a very bad marriage…bad in all ramifications; emotional, physical, financial abuse…name it. Think of numerous bad things happening to someone at a time and you would see the lot of Demi. The worst part was, she believed she needed to change to make her ex-husband love her the way she deserved to be loved.  She thought she was at fault for the problems in her marriage.

However, when she finally got tired of trying; and the divorce went on pretty fast, with neither party objecting much but Demi was whipped; she felt like she has been through the mud and then squeezed to get the mud out. She was limp, she was lifeless for a long time but as they say, time heals all wounds.

So she healed; she was able to stand tall again but she had her battle scars as constant reminders of where she was coming from.

Dating was out of the question for her, but her family would not let her rest; she was quite young after all, just 30 years old with one child. They urged her to try again. Eventually, she decided to try again, but she wanted to go into the dating scene armed with helpful tips; she did not want to repeat same relationship mistakes. Well, below are the tips, I would give Demi and anyone else, who might be in her shoes:

Take your time

Demi needs to recognize that she was not solely responsible for the bad marriage. She needs time to love herself more. And that will make it easier for her to take her time to know her potential mate. No rush, no pressure. Everything you desire from your relationship can happen much more smoothly when you give it time, as opposed to condensing your plans into unattainable time-frames. More importantly, the waiting time opens your eyes to warning signs that might be overlooked. Financial issues, poor health status, criminal histories and family conflicts are always revealed in time. Give yourself the chance to explore whether you are pursuing a mate that will compliment, not complicate, your life.

Understand that there are different stages in a love relationship

Although, Demi does not expect this to happen to her, it can… a divorcee can fall in love. And when that happens, you want to spend every minute with your love interest. In fact, you might find it hard to remember your life before them. Well, one day you will snap out of it and your fierce infatuation will simmer down to a healthy dose of respect, admiration and mature love. You may even experience a resurgence of lust from time to time. If you are in it for the long haul, be aware that your relationship will ebb and flow and your feelings toward one another will evolve into something much more sustainable than fickle fascination- a good place.

Commit
You cannot have a successful relationship without commitment. Once you have resolved to give the relationship a try, give it your full attention. Do not keep a mental backup whatsoever. Stay focused. You owe it to yourself to give your current relationship your full energy in order to give it the best chance of succeeding. And not a repeat performance of your past relationship.

Learn how to forgive

I am not talking about possible deal-breakers (i.e. infidelity, abuse, etc.), I am talking about day-to-day conflicts that can affect your relationship. He forgot to pay for your internet subscription and you were disconnected. He didn’t want to go to your best friend’s dinner party because he finds her insufferable. He constantly wears that same golf shirt that you told him you hate. Focusing on small annoyances can make you lose perspective until you convince yourself that the relationship is not what you want. For relationship longevity, you must acquire the ability to keep everything in prospective, learn to forgive and overlook the petty things.

Learn to value your privacy

Resist the urge to air your dirty laundry in front of friends and family. The 10 minutes you took to vent about your partner, or share an intimate story, could come back to haunt you and cause irreparable damage. Painting your partner in a bad light, or revealing embarrassing personal information, is not a sign of loyalty, love or respect. When you honor your partner by keeping the details of your relationship sacred, others will learn to respect your relationship and your privacy too.

Know each other’s love language

You do not have to like self-help books to benefit from reading The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. The book will help you identify what your partner needs from you in order to feel loved, or their “primary love language”. As Chapman explains, people have different love languages. You can work tirelessly to cater to your partner, only to wind up feeling unappreciated. What you have been doing may be what you want them to do for you, but it has nothing to do with what makes your partner feel loved. This book will increase your awareness about yourself and your partner, and dramatically improve your communication. You should try it.

Continue to date

He is hot; you are hot; so what’s the problem? Romance is often the first thing that suffers under demands of your time from work, children and other responsibilities. However, you must continue to do the things that remind you of why you fell in love in the first place. Relationships do not sustain themselves; you must continue to keep your romance fresh in order to make it work. Make a conscious effort to devote time to get out and do things as a couple. At the very least, plan activities that you can do at home that will foster your love connection. Snuggle while you read a book together, cook a meal together, or watch a movie, just make sure you do something together.

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Kristine is a straight-talking woman. She has had a three-year stint as an agony aunt with a national daily, dealing with varied relationship issues.  She is married with kids and ultimately believes that fear and pride are the Achilles heels of relationships.

Photo credits:

1. https://www.hellobeautiful.com/

2. http://thetrentonlinecom/

3. http://wealthmanagement.com/

4. http://www.farrahgray.com/

5. http://www.tellyouall.com/

6. http://www.dailyplateofcrazy.com/

7. https://www.blackdoctor.com/

8. http://www.cloudfront.net/

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