It makes sense that you marry someone you love, especially if you are both single, available, and ready for marriage, right? Wrong! It does not always work out like that. There have been ladies who have been in the picture, whom their men loved with all of their hearts, and can’t let go of, yet these same men will go ahead to propose marriage to some other lady, for a variety of reasons, that is if he does not go ahead to have a string of girlfriends in the interim, all of whom he would tell her don’t matter or compare in any way with what they have. Now, exactly what do they have?
Sorry to break it to you, you, the main chick, have become the side madam in the scheme of things. If you think it doesn’t happen, read the story of Jessica, a 35 year old ‘side chick’, who has been with her beau for over half of her life, since they met in secondary school, and went to same University. But did they get married? No, he married someone else.
Jessica and Ade met in secondary school. They were the new comers in their class; every one else was part of a clique and they were the odd ones out. That soon rectified itself, because they formed their own two-man clique.
As the years went by, they grew up and became more aware of their environment, and themselves. Everyone was pairing up, so they did. In fact, it was so easy for them to move from a platonic friendship to a romantic one, as they had grown to know each other so well and genuinely liked and accepted each other for who they were, even as young as they were back then.
Their parents knew about their closeness, but not when it turned romantic. They were teased as being each other’s school boyfriend and girlfriend. They both passed their final examinations, did well in their University entrance examination, and got admitted into the same University. It was heaven on earth, their already strong relationship got more strength with the freedom that comes with being on campus.
Instead of it waning, given the distraction of other ladies and guys who were interested in them both, they bonded, and quite soon, everyone knew they were an item, and were not interested in the dating pool in school at all. It was at this stage that their parents first got an idea that there might be something more to this childhood relationship of theirs after all. Not everyone was happy about it, but no one complained either.
They graduated, did the compulsory Youth Service, and both got very good jobs afterwards, and that was where their paths deviated. Jessica’s job involved a lot of travelling within and outside the country. On one of her trips outside the country, another girl slipped through the cracks and into Ade’s life.
Jessica cried, and was tormented at the news of her Ade in someone’s else’s arms, but there was little she could do, as they had a suicidal girl on their hands. She threatened suicide any time Ade said he was breaking up with her. And Ade would run to Jessica to rescue him. It was a messy love triangle that was headed no where. The girl stayed, Jessica stayed and even relocated out of the country for a while with Ade. But the girl found them and won her man back. For some inexplicable reason, the girl had him in the palm of her hands. It was only when the girl decided to leave him, that Ade got his freedom.
Instead of him to go back into the waiting arms of Jessica, he found himself some distractions in strings of deliberately short-lived relationships. One of those relationships turned into a pregnancy, and he married the mom. Remember Jessica, the love of Ade’s life? She is still waiting, whether of her own free will, or of Ade’s manipulations, it’s your guess.
She is still waiting for him to return to her, the one with whom he does everything; pray, eat breakfast at 10am every day (except Sundays, because he has to be in church with his family), his sounding board, the one’s whose body brings him total satisfaction. Jessica, the one with whom he has no secrets. She is still waiting, while he, on the other hand, has completed his family.
The simple reality is this, there is a difference between loving someone and marrying them. If a man that loves you marries you, fantastic. If a man loves you, but wants to keep you waiting, don’t keep yourself waiting. As they say, by their seeds you shall know them. Here are the seeds of men, who profess love but are actually time wasters and “scalp collectors”, as someone recently classified them.
1. He’s waiting for the right time
It sounds so mature and responsible for your guy to say that he will ask you to marry him as soon as “the time is right,” but this is just a stalling tactic. People have, for ages, been tying the knot when the circumstances have been less perfect than they would have preferred. Think about this, and evaluate whether his reason for waiting really has any merit.
2. The wedding date is always too close
This often starts out as a wedding date that is set for years in the future. As the date gets closer, as in close enough to start making concrete plans, the date is suddenly too close, and needs to be moved forward again.
Okay, what do you really think? In all spheres of life, people tend to reschedule things that they are not looking forward to, and reschedule things to accommodate those things they want. Need we say more?
3. You are now begging to be married
This is the worst that can happen to a lady; begging to be married. Aha, men should fear God oh, and ladies, have some self respect! For a woman who’s been dropping serious hints about getting married, it can be hard to recognize when conversations about marriage starts to resemble a teary, begging and pleading mess.
Even smart, strong women, who are used to demanding what they want in all other aspects of life, somehow fall into a trap where they’re begging a man to marry them.
Once you discover that you have been reduced to begging, it’s time to move on. Not only does he not plan to marry you, but the type of guy who strings a woman along like this is likely to move on to more complex stalling tactics that can drag on for years. You don’t have the luxury of time.
Don’t be like Jessica, be smart and stop wasting your own time.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.