I attended the introduction of a friend over the weekend. It was a joyous occasion but I couldn’t help but notice that majority of the older siblings of the groom-to-be were unmarried, both male and female.
I know marriage is not by age. In fact, the eldest sister of my friend isn’t even in a relationship, even though their middle sister has been married for close to four years.
Obviously, I wasn’t the only one who had noticed this fact in our friend’s prospective in-laws, as another friend pointed out the same thing.
We could only wonder about the situation, and leave it there.
But when I looked back on the day, it just occurred to me that, perhaps those men and women were not ready for marriage. That is why you find ladies complaining about men who string them along for years, only to dump them, not because of another woman, but because they were feeling the pressure to settle down, when that was far from their plans.
Sometimes, it’s because they are not prepared emotionally or are not mature enough to take on the institution of marriage and, thankfully, they recognise this in themselves. So, rather than make a shoddy job of marriage, they decide not to partake at all.
On another level, there are men who don’t have what it takes to be a husband, they know it, the lady who wants to marry this guy knows it, but wants to get married all the same, or as it is often said, because of ‘love’.
Now, here’s where I come in. Whether or not love is a factor, there are some basics that is advisable that the man must have, before you say I do to him.
First on that list is;
- He lives by himself
Sisters, a man who is ready to get married would have a place of his own or plans to get a place ASAP…and not futuristic plans oh.
It’s fine when a man is close to his mother (it means he will value your own mother too), but if she knows where you are 24/7, or you go to her house and you can’t chill in front of the TV, just because you don’t know how mama would react, if she would send either of you on errands, or even decide to sit in between you, while you all watch TV. You will end up feeling frustrated.
A man needs to be able to stand on his own two feet, make his own decisions, face the world on his own, and pay his own bills without help. If he can’t do these things there are going to be issues in the end.
- He has a life of his own
If your man’s world starts and ends with you, there is a problem. You know why? You are not going to be available all the time. Life will happen, schedules will be over-run, situations will come up and you will not be able to meet up with that date. You won’t feel like going out, and your beau will end up feeling unhappy and frustrated.
Even in this world where everyone seems attached to somebody and everything is couple-y, there’s a real value in flying solo, even when attached.
In relationships, it’s important to have an identity and individuality. The more you work on yourself and build self-confidence, the more you can bring to the relationship. The more you grow, the more the relationship can grow.
It’s important to have alone time, friend time, and hobbies outside of the relationship, to allow partners be excited to come back together and share their stories.
- He works and has a history of working
There was one meme that compared what women found sexy in men; a six-pack with not much dough, or a potbellied billionaire. It was implied that most women would go for the guy with the dough, and not the six-packed dreamer.
Now, a man doesn’t need to be working to show that he can take care of you. Quite the contrary; a man’s work ethic is a reflection of his character. It shows the man’s ability to make a long-term commitment, and gives insight into his value system.
If he’s willing to build a career, it shows he has the ability to commit, work through difficulties, and has learnt people skills along the way. It also highlights his self-esteem. All of these things will impact your relationship, in addition to easing the obvious financial burden.
- He is self-sufficient and knows his way around a kitchen
Nothing fancy, but a man should know to make a decent meal for himself, and also clean up afterwards.
It not only shows that a man is self-sufficient but also that one is interested in enjoying life and he’s not too lazy to go beyond the basics.
If that is not enough to persuade you, know that a man who knows how to take care of himself, (and cares enough to make the effort to do so) will be far more inclined to step-up and take care of you than someone who just expects you to live according to his low standards or pick up after him.
If he had hitherto relied on others to help him, but is willing to learn, then you can make it work, but if refuses to do his part, always puts it off until “tomorrow,” or thinks it’s woman’s work, take that as a signal to take a walk…unless, of course, you don’t mind being with a man who sees you as an unequal partner in the marriage.
Stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.