Dear Mr Wrong,
It’s amazing how I loved you, how you looked like the embodiment of everything that I wanted, looked being the operative word. Macho man, who could control the fiercingly independent woman I had become over time. You knew how to calm me down, how to make me laugh, all my mumu buttons were in your control. Your eyes would twinkle with laughter, at my dry jokes. You did not mind showing me off to your friends and family. I was your trophy, but guess what. I wanted to be your trophy.
You were the guy who did not mind cooking me a meal, feeding and cleaning up after me. I loved the fact that you took care of me so much, it was as though you lived thinking about me all the time, how you could make my life better in the small things that you give me. Everywhere I looked, I saw your hand at work, right down to my lingerie, you were there. I had even started to compare you with my Lord. Thoughts of you brought smiles to my lips, and wetness where they had no business. How I was so into you!
You were too perfect, for you not to have been the right one. I dreamt of our future, how I would enjoy having your last name, bearing your kids (two boys and girl, you know how much, we used to talk about that). How, the boys, would look like you, and I would have my mini me in our baby girl. I dreamt about how you would protect me and our kids from life’s realities, as you always said you would.
Oh, you had plans! Plans to relocate our family out of the country, plans to start saving for the education of our yet to be born children. Remember that you actually calculated that it would cost 10 million naira to train one child to Master’s degree level? I thought you were wacko. Who makes that kind of projection? No one, but you Mr. Wrong. I loved your mind, I loved your body, I loved your person but there was something off.
There was a darkness about you that I could not fathom. There were areas in your life that were pretty dark, that you didn’t want to let me into. Instead of answering a direct question in one of those areas, you would bluff, you would argue, or you would out rightly say, I should forget it. It bothered me. Every time I dreamt of our future, there was always an unknown part of it.
I had also wondered about my plans for me. Yes, you had plans for me, for my life, for our lives, for your life, for our unborn children’s lives, but you never once asked me, what my plans were, or even listened when I mentioned them. You just kept saying, “Babe, you will not suffer with me.” I know, but would it have hurt you to just listen to me?
And as to how we reconnected, that’s one story for the gods. You remember that day, two years back, how I had been sitting by the window at the eatery, in our neighbourhood, waiting for my friend, and in you’d walked. On seeing me, you had excused yourself from your friends and had sat down at my table uninvited. The first words out of your mouth brought memories that I had thought we had both forgotten about. Remember, we were kids then, secondary school students exploring our sexuality?
You must have seen my reaction, because you were now on my case, and I fell hard for you, leaving even my current beau. I had always felt what we had was too physical but every time I tried to run away, I found myself more drawn to you. I would cry through the night, asking God to put a barrier between us, anything that would not let me want you and wouldn’t let you pursue me, but alas, your call often woke me up and I was back at where I was the night before.
Every day I cried for God to break the soul tie we had formed as teenagers, through sex. I felt tied to you beyond reason. It couldn’t be natural, more so, as certain seemingly inconsequential things were now tied to you. Of all places to do my Youth Service, I was sent to your state of origin. When, I was thinking of a need, you would be there providing solutions, even without having been told of this need. Oh, why couldn’t you just be the right one?!
I know why. You couldn’t be what my soul longs for, you couldn’t be the one to listen and let me be. Just be. The dark places in your life wouldn’t allow it. Your need for a level of control wouldn’t allow it.
That day, I told you I was done, I had done a night vigil. I had become violent, as my soul had become restless. My soul longed for change, even though I did not know what change I sought, but I knew I did not want to stay with you anymore. Your darkness was darkening my soul.
So, that morning, when you called (I knew you were going to call), I was ready. I told you how I would love to see you after work, and we agreed to meet at our usual place. For once, you did not ask, why I wanted to chat with you, you just agreed, that I took as a good sign.
And all day, I couldn’t concentrate at work, thinking about how I was going to break up with you, but I also remembered how I had prayed and asked God to expose all that was wrong about you and this relationship, and this time not to let me hurt as bad as I had hurt about you two months before. I told the Lord that once He exposed the truth, to set up barriers that would keep me from running back to you, and you back to me. I had to be definite.
And for once, you did not start the conversation, I did, and you listened until I got to the end, and told you I was done with our relationship. That was when you reacted, you promised to change, to listen more, to take into consideration my plans, to tell me all your secrets. You made so many promises, I nearly laughed out loud, but for the anguish on your face.
I stayed firm and insisted we were done. Where, I got the strength, I don’t know, but I also know I was also afraid. There I was, in my mid-20s, letting go of a man who had promised me marriage, in favour of a single life. But I knew the life you want for your wife, wasn’t my idea of my life.
I found my own man, even though I had to wait longer, and go through so many doubts about the sensibility of my actions, regarding you.
However, thank you for teaching me to value myself through my own eyes instead of those of the people around me. I’ve learned that my value does not have to come from others, because if I think I have to please everyone else in order to be happy, I will live a miserable life. There is no certain look, style, or body that makes any one person more beautiful than another. I am beautiful because of how I view myself, not solely based on looks, but because of who I am as a person.
Thank you for everything else, but you just weren’t the one for me.
Mr Wrong, Au revoir!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.