As it has become a cliché, no one enters a marriage with the intention of getting a divorce, however, I have heard and read of incredible stories, when all the signs pointed at a divorce in the nearest future and it ended up that way.
But those stories are not at the subject of discussion today, but rather, the women, who got married, never thinking they were going to get divorced but somehow, they ended up down the divorce alley and it seared them for life. It can be so bad that even unconsciously, they push men away.
Janet is one of such women. She had gotten married in her late 20s to the love of her life or so she thought. Their marriage was a fairy tale, soon after they got married, they had a baby and their lives progressed like a textbook.
But something changed. He stepped out on her, when he went out on a business trip. He confessed, it was with a close friend of hers. Janet could not forgive the betrayal and filed for divorce.
She wanted to forgive, she wanted to block the memory out, but her heart couldn’t take it. After several months, she spoke to him and packed her things and left the house. Their children who were in boarding house were alarmed, when they were told. They wanted to know, why she was leaving. Janet would not tell, rather, she asked them to ask their Dad, who told them to wait for the right time.
That was how their fairy tale of a marriage ended. Many of their friends and family could not believe it. They attempted to solve the issue, but neither of them was talking, so it was rather impossible to do.
After their divorce was final, Janet tried to get back in the dating game for companionship reasons only and honestly, she was getting come-hither stares from men. So, she decided to explore.
It was a shock! Everything was way different from when she was younger. Things moved at a faster pace and the fact that sex had become an obligatory part of casual relationship just pushed her away. The forwardness of the men also put her off.
In time, she found like-minded ladies like herself, women, who were in the prime of their life, looking just for companionship. By the time, they compared notes, it was clear that they might be in for a long wait to get a relationship or they could just forget that aspect of their lives and focus on the part that works.
Titi on the other hand had never been short of men since she got divorced, two years after her marriage. She left her marriage, after gaining full custody of her child. Titi isn’t dating for dating sake. She wants to get married once more, have more kids, settle down and live life to the fullest.
However, that hasn’t happened for her in the last four years. She had gone through 6 relationships with eligible bachelors and one single dad, but all of them had fallen through at the last minute. Not one of the men wanted to commit to her. They often just ghosted her, when things start to get serious.
The parts that are missing in the stories of Janet and Titi are what they are doing wrong. Janet admits that she is set in her ways and she is unconsciously looking for the same traits that attracted her to her ex-husband in the guys she dates. Remember, the same husband she left. Ironic, isn’t it?
As for Titi, she can best be described as a leech. Clingy doesn’t even begin to describe her. She is the type, who calls her man and she asks, “Where are you?” “Have you eaten?” “What clothes are you wearing?” She just keeps asking these questions and the guy doesn’t even know which one to answer.
She gives her beaus, close marking, as though to ensure, they do not cheat on her. Unfortunately, the men have mastered the art of ghosting too. One moment, they are all over her and the next moment, they have disappeared.
It’s sad and painful, but it changes nothing. The men are gone and it doesn’t look like they are coming back, at least not if things remain the way they are.
It’s not only the two traits, mentioned above that send men running, below are some other characters. If you are able to tick off some traits, then, there is need for change, if you are really interested in getting into a serious relationship.
- If you sending too many messages too often
Men typically have a different perspective on texts and chatting from women. They use them for logistics and aren’t as big on these communication means as women. If you’re constantly texting a man, it conveys a sense of neediness. The worse impression you give is that, you have a lot of time on your hands and that he is your sole concern.
To help yourself, keep texts relatively short, fun and flirty and don’t send too many.
- Not having a social life
Men are attracted to interesting women with passions, hobbies, friends and things to talk about. They find women, who have an active social life appealing. You can only have these things if you engage in activities and interests outside of the relationship.
As tempting as it is to want to spend all your time with a new man in your life, it’s so important that you keep doing all the things that you love because it makes you a far more interesting and enticing person to be with.
Having friends indicates that you have people in your life who want to spend time with you. That’s a strong signal to the man that friends are important to you and that he isn’t the centre of your world.
Thus, he has to put more effort in to get to spend time with you. It also gives you so much more to talk about when you do spend time together as a couple.
- Being irrationally jealous
This shows buried insecurities from whatever source and it kills any attraction rapidly. Men are attracted to women who have a sense of inner confidence and are generally, secure in themselves, not ladies, who need reassurance.
If you show signs of jealousy (such as freaking out if he wants a boys’ night out or wants to go see his family), men pick up on this incredibly quickly, so it’s wise to look at why that is and deal with any jealousy issues before you get into something too serious.
Let go of your past insecurities, especially those from your divorce, if you are interested in a real relationship with a new partner.
Food for thought!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.