“I thought we were getting engaged, but he dumped me”


This is a story of heartbreak, of dashed hopes, of dream un-achieved and of self doubt. Having put all her heart into the relationship, letting go of her baggage of distrust for guys and finally letting her guard down to enjoy, what she thought was a real relationship with the man she loved; Lara was let down and not in any gentle way. She doubted her self-worth at the end of the day. It took God and time to heal her, before she could tell the story without bursting into tears or it spoiling her entire day.

Last year, the guy Lara thought she was going to get married to, broke up with her. This was not another random relationship into which she had entered. This was one that came after a lengthy period to staying off men generally. Lara had been in too many nasty relationships where she had been battered, betrayed physically and emotionally,  and sponged off. She had experienced all sorts in the hands of men. She took it all in and moved on to the next one and that was how the abuse kept piling on in her, without she addressing it, because she did not know it was there.

In the end, she crashed and quitted the dating scene for two years, paying attention to only her job and family. Over the two years period, she had quit dating and quite unconsciously, she found herself noticing a particular guy en route to her office from the parking lot. Seye was a good looking guy and from the way he always tried to catch her eyes, as she made the daily trip, she knew he was interested in her too.

After a while, he walked up to her at the end of a day’s work and they got talking. They had a lot in common, for one; they were from the same state, worked in the same area, albeit different organizations and drove same kind of car. It was a pleasant discovery and excellent conversation starter. Not one to slack, he got talking and they ended up exchanging numbers.

Some weeks later, they went out for drinks after work and that was where she found so many thing to like about Seye. Needless to say, they got into a relationship that was way different from the ones she had had.

Although hesitant about letting down her guard, she eventually did and dismissed all her earlier experiences with men. She kept pinching herself, whenever he did something fantastic for her; it was like, “is this for real?” and right on the trail of that thought, she would think, “this is what a real relationship should be like” and then on the enjoy whatever Seye had in stock for her.

But the party soon ended. After a year and half of honeymoon, he was done. They had met at the weekend as usual and she thought they were going to go out and have some fun but that was not to be, as he called a couple’s conference instead. He talked about all that was not well in their relationship. He stated that given those concerns, a future together for them, might be out of the picture.

Lara was shocked, it literally hit her out of the blues, she had no inkling he felt that way, which just showed, how much of an actor he was. Were they talking about their relationship or someone else’s own? Did he just mention a likely break up, because of some issues? All sorts of thoughts crashed through her brain as she tried to address his complaints.

To her, their relationship was typical of all relationships she has had the privilege to witness. They had their quarrels, they were not perfects, he had some quirks about him that rubbed her the wrong way but she had learnt to deal with it. And then, she fully knew she had some issues, most of which he had talked about but nothing that was out of the ordinary. Right? Wrong.

In a problem solving mode, she asked him what he would like her to do. She told him ending the relationship was not going to solve the problem. They were always going to have issues, but they needed to know how to solve it. He agreed to work at the relationship that weekend. Needless to say, that moment spoilt the remainder of the weekend, even as they both tried to put it behind them. The air was tinged by it.

Exactly two weeks later, Seye broke up with Lara via text message. He said, he could no longer bear the strain, their relationship had become. He could no longer tolerate some of the quirks of Lara. Not even her promise and attempt to fight for their relationship worked. His mind was made up. Lara felt rejected by the man she had given everything to. The man who had seen all there was to see about her.

There she was with her heart full of love but her arms were empty, there was no one to put them around except herself but then, she could not even comfort herself. She had slide down the slippery slope of depression. She was a wreck. Her life was on hold. She had thought a ring was in the offing, considering how long they had dated. Both families knew each other and even expected them to marry, when they were ready. But no, that was only a dream in their hearts that would reside there for all times.

The more she thought about Seye’s decision to break up with her and accept it, the more different thoughts churned in her head. She was unable to deal with the truth that she was dumped by the man she had wanted to marry. The man whom she had totally trusted, who knew her better than most, and he had decided she wasn’t worth it anymore. That was heartbreaking.

She internalized that and translated to the fact she was worthless. His actions made her feel as though she was nothing, and had no value. That admission shaped her, she started to think that perhaps, she deserved the pain brought on by the heart ache and that perhaps, Seye had seen into her and knew what an ugly person she was really, and knew, she deserved all the pain, she got. She went around with this mentality for a long time, hoping and praying that someone would love her with all quirks, enough to marry her, as she was not getting younger. But rather than that, men seem to pull away from her. Her countenance was her undoing; she tried too hard to please people, instead of being herself.

Lara’s story is heartbreaking and to heal, she needs to admit to herself that she is a beautiful person, inside and out. That she is not worthless and only need to find the right man for her, who will love her just as she is.

She will eventually get there, it might not be now. But she will!

Kristine

Photo credits:

1. http://wwwthemagazineclubng.com/

2. http://www.weddingdigestnaija.com/

3. http://www.nbcnews.com/

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