Thanks to the Sallah break, my fiancée, Nellie and I went to see a few close friends and of course, to get our share of the meat going the rounds. From one end of the city to another we went, and we really had a great time, except for one “uncle” we met at a friend’s house, who took it upon himself to teach my Nellie how to be “the perfect married woman” if such a thing actually exists.
I was at first affronted, after all, I do not know him from Adam, except through my friend, in whose house I had met him. Secondly, we were not even of the same tribe or religion, so, how would he know what a “perfect” married woman for me would be. But there was no shushing him, so he had a field day and I got something to share with you.
However, I admit that there are some aspects of his rant that I could relate with and some others that that just deserve an eye roll, at least, that was what they got from my Nellie. Here we go:
Hold your bag!
My expression must have said, “Seriously, is that all you got?” because, he went on to talk about how a man is already carting around whatever he needs in his pockets, which will include keys, wallet and phone.
He’s already bulking up his flat-front pants with these items and certainly has made decisions about what not to bring. Turning to Nellie, he said, “To be the perfect married woman, you man wants you to make the same evaluations and sacrifices. Your man would most likely not ask you to hold his phones, wallets and keys at every opportunity, give him the same consideration.
He drove home his point by noting that, even if a married man has become “domesticated”, he still would not appreciate having the sign of his domestication hung on him in the form of his wife’s handbag. If you decide to carry a purse, remember, it is your purse, carry it.
On this one, I agree, abeg, carry your bag.
Pick the right shoes for the agreed always
By now, this guy was on a roll. He merely asked the men around to check out some of the shoes the women around were wearing. More than half were heels of some sort, which meant they walked a lot slower than they were able to.
According to my newly-found marriage counsellor, married men are occasionally astonished at footwear choices wives make for occasions that promise less-than-ideal weather conditions or even plain walking conditions…walking in 6 inch heel should take some months of training in itself. It drives married men crazy, when improper choices of shoes are made. Improper footwear choices often lead to interruption or refusal to participate in planned activities, purchase of appropriate footwear or worse, injury due to improper protection.
I have experienced a bit of this with Nellie but I have never had to make a detour to buy a new pair of shoes; worse comes to worse, she goes barefoot.
Variety is the spice when it comes to sex
Oh, you were thinking, he wouldn’t go that far. Yep, he went there. He talked about sex and enjoyed it thoroughly, but all in coded language of course. See if you can make sense of this. “No married man would ever say the familiarity of daily life with his wife was doing wonders for his libido or how much action he was getting between the sheets, instead, he would most likely complain.
Therefore the onus is on the married woman to bring her A-game to bed every night. None of those, “I’m tired” “I have headache” routines, instead it should be more of new discoveries and increased heart rate, caused by pleasant emotions. Make it like sex with a different woman every time. Instant variety — the basic spice of any successful romance — is achieved.
I have no comment… I’m still thinking about sex every night and Nellie having to bring her A-game. If looks could kill, that man would have been dead and buried by now.
Curtail the burps, farts, hacks and other bodily emissions
Some married men are able to get over it faster than others. As a “perfect” married woman, you ought to know your husband’s tolerance level but best of all, stop it. However, if you don’t stop it, then get prepared for the assault.
I’m a learner in this case, if the nods it got from the male folks around were anything to go about.
We don’t care if you aren’t interested in the sport(s) we watch…let just watch in peace
Football time is not “we” time, and can never be. Nellie, sorry, but I completely agree with this one. A perfect married woman knows how not to ruin sports time. She doesn’t raise dust about the amount of time spent in front of the box, or blame it for issues in her marriage.
It will only ruin that moment … and the next one. Your perfect married man will feel obliged to interrupt your next outing with your girls with wholly unnecessary relationship demands, in an attempt to equal the score.
A smart perfect married woman knows that multiple calls in rapid succession repel her man.
According to this man, whom I later found out to have been married for the last fifteen years, whose wife was even present with us during his rant; when you call your man repeatedly, he feels obliged to distance himself from whatever volcano is erupting from your fingertips.
More calls = longer wait time for a return call. Want a call back? Call once. Want a fight with your man? You know what to do…keep the calls coming.
I went for the meat but got more than I bargained for and it suits me just fine. I’m getting ready for this marriage business little by little.
Hope you learnt something from the man, like I did.
Food for thought!
After years of floating in the dating wilderness, Obiora is happily engaged to his soul mate. He has been on both sides of the breakup spectrum, meaning he has dumped and been dumped. He has felt heartache raw and stinging, and has learnt a lot of lessons along the way.