Whether we like or not, the rules of the dating game changes per second. It seems as though both parties in the game are playing chess and looking to say ‘checkmate!’ A Bro of mine…(I call him Bro because we are too close to be called friends) recently sent me a long BBM ping lamenting his girlfriend holding out on sex. He sounded really pained, and I have his express permission to type verbatim what he sent to me. “So, I believe in courtship and getting to know a woman before making love to her, and I thought we had gotten to the point of intimacy, only for her to claim she doesn’t want to have sex until marriage. And you know what? I could probably rock with that and be faithful to her if she were a virgin. It seems cruel to me that she would hold out on something I know she had given up to at least a fistful of guys.”
I laughed at first, when I got Joe* ping but I knew the situation wasn’t funny. Truth is, it is all good and fine when both parties decide to be celibate. I have seen guys who didn’t need any coercion to stay off sex; by virtue of their upbringing, morals or personal convictions, they wanted to wait until marriage before riding (pun intended). The dilemma arises when a guy goes into a relationship with the belief that at some point, sex would come into play, only to get dealt with the celibacy card. I will be the first to admit that I’ve been in good sexual relationships, but I have also being celibate. However, like so many other guys, my celibacy was born out of a desire to please and keep the lady I loved. When my first girlfriend Banke said she wanted to hold out on sex, I was cool with it…and when she decided some months after, that she was ready for a sexual experience, I was also cool with it. I am such a gentleman, right? lol.
What happens in relationships when one party wants to abstain sexually and one does not? A common answer to the question is, “easier said than done”. At this point it’s a matter of who you are and what you can handle. Here’s my take; someone abstaining from sex is fine. I definitely respect a lady’s decision if staying away from sex is important to her. On the flip side however, sex might be very important to the other party that has asked to abstain, and there in lies the dilemma. What do you do when the girl you love wants to keep you away from something you enjoy? How does celibacy work for guys who are sexually active, and enjoy same?
If a guy has decided to go on a celibacy journey with his girlfriend, he must first realize that talk is cheap. Just because you both agreed to stay off sex doesn’t mean the temptations would not come. Oh yes! they will, so you have to prepare to face temptations headlong. It sure helps to avoid spending time alone in secluded places, because who knows what that might lead to? Once you have that choice, it helps to keep the news away from friends you know would taunt you and make you feel or look stupid for abstaining from sex. Guys can be pretty brutal with things like, so if you want to avoid being an object of ridicule, keep your decision to yourself.
In secondary school, a lot of us guys were still virgins, but when Dipo, a classmate made it public one night in the dormitory, boys started teasing him about it. He began the poster boy for ‘scared cat’, and he was under enormous pressure to sleep with a girl. Boys that were most likely still virgins, lied about how awesome sex was, and how it was the validation of any guy. Dipo would sometimes return to the dormitory from the classroom and find an erotic magazine on his bed. Wasn’t long before he felt the need to get his respect back and started to plan on having sex. Ours was an only boys school, and Dipo soon found himself taking exit from school and going to patronize a whore house. Dipo returned to school, with cheerful news about having sex and downloading the gist to all who cared to listen, only to get mocked at, for having slept with a prostitute. “You paid for sex man, who does that?” came Adam’s taunt. It was until he opened up to his elder brother who passed through our school, that he discovered that he was the centre of a deceitful ploy. His brother taught him a valuable lesson; never live for people’s praise.
Contrary to what society likes to project, it is possible for a guy to be celibate…even though he doesn’t want to be a priest or a monk. It’s all a personal decision, but I advise that you keep such a decision away from friends that might try to deter you. You should only tell people who would hold you up to standard and encourage you to keep your vows. Having a sexy girlfriend who is all in for sex is also counter productive, because she would wear you out until you give in, or she might be getting some on the side. So, if you want to stay celibate, remain single or at least, be in a relationship with someone who shares the same values and orientation as you. All the best!