I can honestly write a thesis on this topic, and one thing I can promise at the end of the day is you will be totally convinced that even the thought of asking a guy out is absolute rubbish.
You see, when I was very, very young, I had a crush. It was a very bad case, as it affected my whole life; school, eating, everything. I just felt listless about life in general. Nothing appealed to me, except being with this young man, whose mere mention of his name now, irritates me. I just pity the young foolish girl I was.
I wasn’t bold enough to tell him that I was in love with him or even ask him out, but I might as well have done that, as I wore my heart on my sleeves for him, and everyone who cared, to see. He did and he took advantage of my feelings.
We were never officially an item, but I wished with the whole of my being that we were. I was thoroughly used and dumped, my emotions were toyed with. Sometimes, he would act so in love with me too and sometimes, he would be so distant, I would wonder if he even knew my name.
I remember one time, we were together in the company of other friends and I had been making sad faces at him, which he, of course, ignored, because he hadn’t been talking to me days before that time. Oh, what a waste of my time!
Nowadays, I just wonder what I ever saw in him. I know he is still tall, dark and handsome, but the point is, “Na only dat one persin go chop?” A man needs more than his physical appearance to catch my attention now. Not that I’m looking oh… just saying!
The ugly truth that I have discovered over time is there are plenty guys out there who are manipulative, just like my teenage crush. He wants nothing serious, neither will he make it known that he is not interested, because he is interested, he doesn’t just want to do the job or, better still, he wants to get what he can get out of the romance while its lasts, without having to put in the work.
If you suggest a casual fling, he wouldn’t be opposed to it. That is what he really wants. Interesting, some of these guys who manipulate girls might even pride themselves on being a “good guy.” And true to his self-professed nature, he doesn’t want to play you. That’s why he never comes right out and makes any overt moves on you.
On the other hand, if you initiate all the moves, he’s certainly not going to stop you. And whether he does it consciously or subconsciously, that’s the trap he has set for you. You are just dancing to the tune he is playing.
How I danced to whatever tune that young man played, then. I danced for a couple of years actually, and the worst part was, when he broke our unofficial relationship, I felt like dying! I cried, I moaned, I was moronic for months! Worst of all, I blamed myself for allowing him to break up with me. I mean, we weren’t even dating officially.
What I know for a fact is, that young man was a douchebag (arrogant and obnoxious), who knew very well that he wasn’t into me, but strung me along all the same, all because I brought myself to him, like a lamb to slaughter.
I found one reformed douchebag, who used to be too lazy to ask ladies out but never minded using them and dumping them as he pleased, and he said, “You see, if I let the girl make the first move, then I don’t have to be the bag guy, who acts interested, gets the girl into bed, then dumps her immediately after.
If she makes the first move, then I’m the one being chased. And if I’m the one being chased, then I’m the one who was never sure about hooking up. And if I’m the one who was never sure about hooking up, then I have a perfectly valid reason to pull back at any time.
Let me repeat that last part: at any time.”
One of his choice excuses for dumping a lady was, “I’m actually kind of old-fashioned and like to take things slow. Don’t get me wrong—last night was amazing. But, I was caught up in the moment, and I think we definitely moved too fast.”
See? It’s your fault you jumped into his bed too soon, because you put the moves on him. And now, he gets to walk away without a scratch on his shiny armour and your heart is trampled all over in the process.
Back to my experience, I thought I had learnt my lesson, but I discovered that was not the case, because I made same mistakes several times, before finally growing up and realising making the first move on a guy, or showing what is normally called the green-light and repeatedly flashing it merely sets you up for heartbreak in the end, especially if you happen to be playing with the lazy and manipulative species of the male folk.
However, if you do go ahead to not only flash the green light but also ask him out, just know that, he would be in the right, when and if he decides to walk out on the relationship. Afterall, you chased him.
Stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.