During lunch break on Friday, I put a call through to Zinny and Tolu; to cancel our date night. My day at work was so choked up and I was sure I was going to be drained at the end of the day, because I still had two meetings lined up. Zinny was also busy herself and was relieved we were rescheduling. Tolu on the other hand was found sleepy when she picked my call. I asked her if she was ill, she said no and told me she missed work that day. Shocked, I asked her what the matter was, and she said she had a fight with Dele, and was too depressed to get dressed for work, so she kept her blinds closed and stayed in bed instead. “Hian, you are not ill and you missed work because of a guy? Since when Tolu?” I asked, trying hard to control my surprise. “It’s not just any guy, Jacy” She replied “It’s Dele. I don’t know what he has done to me, but I found myself needing him more and more each day”.
Before Tolu started dating her current boyfriend Dele, she was pretty much the Miss Independent. She was self-assured, self-confident and self-ruled. Tolu was just the kind of girl I liked to be around. She motivated me to be self-reliant and not rely on any man, whether single, dating or married. I was stunned that she was sounding so needy for a guy. I asked her what their fight was about and she told him she called him throughout yesterday night to lament about a family problem, but he was already asleep. When he picked the call, he was sounding sleepy and dismissed her within seconds, begging her to go to bed and saying they were going to talk about the issue in the morning. I was even more surprised because it was my first time hearing about this family problem, and what Dele said and did, didn’t sound wrong to me at all. Although important, it was not an urgent matter, and could surely wait till morning. “But I needed to talk about it then, I needed him and he wasn’t there for me” she continued to lament. I laughed at her incredulous behavior and said “Please who is this and what have you done to my friend, Tolu. Babe, this one you are needing this guy more than you need Jesus, it’s not safe oh. You have already started missing work just because he wanted to sleep and you wanted to talk. When a big issue pops up, you go resign be that oh”.
Tolu is one of the first ladies I know, who turned her boyfriend into her Lord and Personal Saviour. Yours truly, has been there and done that. I was very needy in my last relationship. No jokes, I unconsciously replaced the space meant for Jesus with Kenny in my heart. He was my go-to for everything. To fill my tank, to change my bulb, to wipe virus from my laptop, to fix my phone, to make me happy when I am sad, to encourage me when I am done, to make me laugh when I want to cry. It’s pretty overwhelming when you heap so much responsibilities on a man’s shoulders. We ladies might think the men would consider it cute that we run to them for everything, and maybe for a while, it could be cute. But it doesn’t take long before it becomes problematic and they start to make excuses, resent us for always needing them, and looking for someone who is less needy than we are.
These men have needs too, you know. When we are so wrapped up with all that we need them for, we forget to attend to their own needs. Or, they could represent SuperMan to us, the hero who takes away all our problems, but has none of it. But even married men have aspects of their lives that do not involve their wives. He should complement you, not take over the organization and management of your life. You don’t have to call him everytime someone said something silly about you at work, leave that kinda gist for the girls. He also doesn’t need to be on speed dial for when you get home to so much chore, and need him to talk you through it all. Truth is, there is a vacuum in everyone of us that only God can fill. Looking to a man to love you unconditionally like God does and to fix all your problems like Jesus, would only lead to broken hearts and disappointments.
And guess what? Researchers found that women who are more needy in their relationships are not as happy as those who are independent and makes her own decisions. While you obviously should be able to depend on your boyfriend for some things, like a shoulder to cry on when you’re sad or an ear to listen when you need to vent, he shouldn’t be your go-to for everything. He has a life that doesn’t constantly involve you and it’s not fair for him if you always expect him to be there to hang when you want. You should learn how to do your own thing without him – otherwise, what are you going to do if you guys break up?