It’s not an easy or comfortable admission, but sometimes, our partners are not the ones causing problems in our relationship, we are the one. Of course, those things we do that take away from our relationship may vary in weight and their impact, it however, does not remove from them, the fact that they are toxic all the same and impact negatively on the relationship.
It is a lot easier to point at the other person and declare that, because he/she is not doing something right, then, they are to be blamed for the state of your relationship but the truth is, it is vicious cycle fed by toxic actions and reactions. In the end, two wrongs do not make a right.
Many people who complain about being with toxic partners often fail to see themselves as contributing anything to that toxicity but it is really a two-way street. That is not to suggest that both partners are equally responsible for all emotional abuse that happens in a relationship, no, just that both partners have a role to play in the toxicity levels of their relationship. Some people learn this fact before things get bad but for people like Jemi, it got bad before it got better.
When Jemi and her fiancé started dating, there was a lot of drama going on between them; harsh words, tears, curses and such. It came to a head one day when they were out with few friends.
Jemi’s boyfriend had commented on the dressing of another lady and that had led to a melt down on her part. She had ranted and raved about him having eyes for other ladies that he would even stoop to complimenting others while she was present, when he had not deigned to say anything about her appearance since he picked her from home, merely hurrying her up.
Her very public meltdown had made everyone uncomfortable. Her then boyfriend was soon able to get her out of that space into the street, where she had continued with her wailing and accusations, not minding the fact that, people were staring at them.
That was the night they broke up. It had become obvious that both of them were not mature enough to deal with a relationship and all it brings. Each tried to blame the other; Jemi was of the opinion if he had complimented her when he picked her up, then it wouldn’t have mattered, if he complimented other women.
On his part, her boyfriend does not think, he needed to tell her, she was beautiful, as it was a known fact to him and he had often told her that.
Nine months later, they found their way into each other arms once more. They just couldn’t bear to be apart, but they had also learnt a valuable lesson, they cannot take each other for granted. They cannot contribute bitterness and anger to their relationship and expect it to be lovey-dovey.
They still have their issues, they still have their toxic moments but the difference is that arguments don’t get out of control, like they did in the beginning, and it is relatively easy to return to a place of loving, respectful communication.
Let’s get it clear, being toxic is not often as obvious as putting down your partner’s intelligence or controlling what he/she does with his time or crying at not being complimented.
For example, acting out when he/she doesn’t fulfil your needs is toxic. Denying him/her affection as a consequence of perceived slight is toxic. Disabusing him/her of his right to be treated with dignity and respect is absolutely toxic.
Now to specifics, below are the signs that you indeed are the toxic one, time for some hometruths.