Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #2766
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    Hello everyone,

    As part of our efforts to meet your relationship needs, Dear TLL ( our Agony Aunt) is ready to field all relationship questions you might have. All you need to do is send in your questions.

    Follow this link to send in your questions: http://thelovelint.com/forums/topic/dear-tll/

    Dear TLL will pick one question and provide answers at the end of the day. So, hurry up guys and send in your questions.

    The Lovelint

    #2782
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    My fiancée wants to pay for our wedding

    Dear TLL,
    My girlfriend and I have been dating each other for the past six years and we are engaged as I write to you. We both work, although, she earns more than I do, which I don’t mind. Meanwhile, I have been trying to get a better paying job for the last two years, so we could get married but none has shown up yet.
    In the last three years of our relationship, my fiancée has talked about us getting married several times but I have always told her that, I would like to be more financially stable, before we get married. This past year has left me feeling a bit ambushed, as she has come on strongly about this matter of marriage.
    She did not threaten to leave me but I feel forced to do something. The last time, we had another conversation on the matter of when we would get married, was when she mentioned that she would not mind, if, she had to bankroll the wedding ceremony, as she has some money saved and went on to say that, since we would be married, it did not matter, who paid for what as, whatever is hers is mine and the other way round.
    While I agreed with her, I still feel some sense of unease over her suggestion, she is the woman, I would like to spend the rest of my life with but I’m not so sure about allowing her to pay for all the wedding expenses.
    Gboyega,

    Dear Gboyega,
    Since, the matter of whether, you love her or not is out of the way, in fact you have said, you would like to spend the rest of your life with her. The next thing to do concerning the wedding expenses, first of all is to pick a date, preferably, one that is far.
    Picking a far date is to enable you contribute financially to the wedding expenses. She has some money saved, you probably don’t have the kind of money that a wedding ceremony would require, so start saving up and making essential purchases now, so that as the date gets nearer, the pressure to get more money would be reduced and you would still be able to play your role as the husband when the ceremony is over.
    The above is for a big wedding ceremony. If indeed you would like to spend the rest of your life with her, you can go to a Marriage registry and get married there, it would not cost you much and your wife-to-be can keep her savings, for when your new family would really need it.

    However, if she wants a big wedding, then she has to learn to be patient with a distant date, when at most, you can share the cost equally. It is not really a good precedent to allow the woman to start making major expenses like paying for wedding expenses.
    You did not mention the age of your fiancée, maybe one can see the reason for the haste. However, on your feeling of being ambushed, you need to talk; having a wedding is not the end of the matter, as there is a marriage to cultivate after the wedding.
    Have a chat with your fiancée about all the issues that bother you and if she is really the one for you, she would soft pedal and take your needs into consideration and really take a leisurely cruise towards your wedding date, instead of going at full throttle.

    Cheers!

    #2792
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    Our marriage is about to break up, because my mother in-law is now in charge
    Dear TLL,
    I’m supposed to be the man in my house but my in laws have taken over the management of my home, especially, my mother-in-law.
    She is the one that determines what I eat, when I eat it, to the extent of when I can play with my new baby and I have had enough of her controlling streak. Not even her daughter can stand up her. She is just overbearing.
    My wife and I got married two years ago and we had our first born,  in the first half of this year. He is a beautiful boy but I hardly get to spend time with him, because, my mother-in-law, who does not actually sleep in our house but knows more and controls our home from her own home, has a time table for him, and it does not include much time with me.
    As if that is not enough, she is interfering in when my wife and I can get intimate. Since, my wife gave birth, we have not had sex and now, she is ready to resume but I overheard her mother advising her to wait for six months after the birth, so that her body can heal well.
    My wife listens to her mom a lot and already, her advice is already working; as my wife had as already started turning cold shoulder to my advances for sex. The only time, I become needed is when they need me to drop my ATM card, otherwise, I’m useless in my own house.
    I don’t know how it works but I’m a new dad that can’t play with his kid, a husband whose wife is not giving him attention, all because my mother-in-law is around, how can I get her out of my house?
    Hassan.

    Dear Hassan,
    Take your wife out. Four words that can serve as escape from the criticising eyes of your mother-in-law and also gives you time to speak some home truths to your wife. Tell her exactly how you feel.
    If talking to her does not work and nothing changes, then go talk to your mother-in-law, she is your mother too and talk to her, the way you would talk to your biological mother, that you appreciate her help with your baby and your wife but that her influence is passing its boundary and rendering your wife useless  in her home.
    You can say it in a joking manner,  so that, you will not hurt her feeling but pass the needed message all the same. She had overstepped her boundaries. If all of these fail, tell grandma that you will be travelling with the entire family for like two weeks and there would be no need for her to come over to your house.
    You need not actually travel and it would not matter, if she found out that you did not travel. She would definitely get the message then, even though she will be hurt. You can apologise later.
    The period is meant for you to take back, the reins of control of your home and get your wife to straighten  her backbone and get used to doing things her own way and by herself.
    Keep working on your marriage and never give up on your wife; even at her lowest moments. She would do same for you.

    Photo credit:

    http://i.huffpost.com/

    #2821
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    Dear TLL
    I am having issues with my love. She no longer tells me about issues bothering her. Just last week, she told her best friend that she no longer feels the same about me as she used to. In fact, my love told her friend, she feels insecure around me lately.
    The truth, which I also found out, is that, she had done some things that she failed to tell me. And when I found out, it really made me changed my attitude towards her. To the extent that when she asked me for a break, I obliged. But I also know that I love her a lot and I have a feeling that the fact that I changed towards her caused her to ask for the break. I want to go back to her and take care of her like I used to do. How do I go about it? Please I need help
    Kwame.

    Dear Kwame,
    Honestly, the first thing to do in this circumstance is to have a heart to heart talk with her. To find out why, she hid things from you, to find out, what exactly is going on in her life, because, there seem so to be issues, she is dealing with and which, she does not want you to know about.
    Find out these things and work your way from there. If she is still in love with you and you have a matured understanding of why she did what she did in the past, then you can have her back in your life. None of these changing of attitude towards her because of what you found out would do you or your relationship any good.
    If you truly love her, it has to be warts and all. When she is dealing with issues, when she is fine and when it is just blah! Have you even stopped to think about the fact that, she did not tell you things, because she knew, you were going to judge her?
    Kwame, people like to be accepted, not judged. I’m fairly certain that, should you find someone who is always criticizing you, you would not want to be in their company. So, you are right, your changed attitude forced her to ask for a break.
    To keep your love, let go of your persona hurt (that she did not tell you about what’s happening to her) and help her deal with her business. Next time, you feel like judging, keep quiet and just listen.

    #2864
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    https://wemagazineblog.files.wordpress.com/2014/10/unhappy-couple.jpg

    I married a man I’m not attracted to. Now what?

    Dear TLL
    I am in a tricky situation, which I found myself because of my wrong choices. I’m married  to a man, whom I am not physically attracted. I don’t like some of his facial features. For me, a certain type of face seems attractive, while others are not.
    When I first started dating him, I  just didn’t notice it, because I liked him for being a nice guy. Two months into our dating, I realized I’m just not attracted to him but still continued dating him. Eight months after, I married him because, he proposed and I was ready.
    My family like him very much. As for me, he has a great body and is a genuinely nice person but because of my lack of physical attraction, I’m struggling with showing him love. I married him (knowing I wasn’t attracted to him) because I thought that over a period of time, physical attraction would grow. Three months into our marriage and now he complains that I am not physically or emotionally close to him. I know I should have said something before, but what do I do now?
    We fight every other day over this issue and nothing comes out of it. He is frustrated over the lack of intimacy. I am just not courageous enough to leave him and I could not tell him that I don’t love him. Can I change my mindset? Please tell me what you would do.
    IB,

    Dear IB,
    You said so many things,  that one is tempted to dissect with a fine toothed comb but that is not where to start. First of all, really sorry you’re in this predicament. The fact that you and your husband are unhappy is tragic. However, the question is, what really makes you tick?
    You said, “I just didn’t notice” his face? Not even sure how that is possible. This excuse seems to ring a little hollow. A person’s face is so obvious you can’t miss it but you can choose not dwell on it like you did.
    You can prefer tall men and be open to shorter men. You can prefer hairy men and marry a cleanly shaven man. You can prefer small noses and fall for a man with a big nose. Issue of physical attraction are subject to emotions and easily changed.
    It is true that not everyone on earth is equally good looking, but having an addiction to a type is taking it too far; which is a shame, because there is a lot more to most people than a face, which you have found out  in the case of your husband. You said it twice that he is a nice man.
    IB, you’re not a bad person for dating a man with whom your attraction is questionable. People do it all the time. Some find their attraction grows when they start to love the person. Some discover that the spark isn’t enough to continue.
    Your mistake was marrying this man, even though you knew how you felt. That’s not his fault and it’s not your parents’ fault for loving him. This is your fault and only you can make it right. But you are hurting him and he does not deserve that. You married him, now is the time to walk the talk, fulfill your vows to him, focus on his nice aspects. As it were, it is because you have put so much attention on his looks, that you are reminded of the fact that he is not your type. He is your husband. That makes ALL the difference.
    Encourage intimacy and do things together that both of you enjoy and build your marriage. The memories, you create  during those times, will not be tied to his face but personality. Remove your eyes from your husband’s physical attributes or its lack, to his essence, which is what you should really focus on.
    Remember, love is not a feeling, it is a decision that each person has to make everyday about the people they want to love and be in love with. So make that decision every day.
    :heart: :heart:

    #2885
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    My Girlfriend’s best friend wants me

    Dear TLL,

    I had sex with my girlfriend’s friend best friend while my girl was drunk at a party. Now this friend keeps calling me for sex and I’m terrified we’ll get caught. I’m 27 and my girlfriend is 24. It was her friend’s Christmas party last year and my girlfriend was there all day, helping with the food. My girlfriend had been drinking quite a bit before I got there. Her best pal who is 25, is very sexy and has always flirted with me a bit but this night, she saw that my girlfriend was drunk, so was giving me the come-on look all night. I tried to ignore her but it eventually turned to her giving me oral sex. Luckily, my girlfriend did not find out. Since then, this girl has been calling me, wanting sex and says she will tell my girlfriend if I refuse. I have been playing along for almost a year now, because, I fancy her anyway, so it’s hard to refuse. I even sneaked out on New Year’s Day for a quickie. I’m not going to lie, I enjoy the thrill of it but I’m also terrified we will get caught one day. I feel like I’m in a no-win situation and l could lose my girlfriend if I’m not careful and she really means the world to me.
    Theo

    Hi Theo,
    I feel sorry for your girlfriend – what a boyfriend and so-called best friend she’s got. :lolanger: If you are still interested in a relationship with your girlfriend, stop this sex game now! :stop: :stop: Tell the “best friend” enough is enough; say you’re sorry if you have hurt her feelings, say anything but just get yourself out of this mess, you have got yourself into.

    Make it totally clear there’s no way you would have a relationship or sex with her again, so she has nothing to gain by threatening you. She may still carry out her threat. If that happens, tell your girlfriend how sorry you are and hope she forgives you. But if she does not, move on with your life, she deserves better anyway. :heartbroken:

    And if she truly meant anything, even a tiny bit in your life, you would not be carrying on an affair with her friend behind her back for over a year, so forget that part. Theo, you don’t have any respect  for yourself :yes: :yes: .

     

    #2901
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    I married him as cover for my sterility
    Dear TLL,

    I have been married for close to 5 years now. Before we got married, my husband confessed to me that he had a low sperm count and might not be able get me pregnant. He even gave me the liberty to cancel the wedding, which I refused.
    While he told me his problem then, I did not tell him that I was infertile, as a result of the numerous abortions I had while in school, which led to my womb being removed. Now, my conscience bothers me. Who knows, if my husband had married another woman, maybe he would have children now. I just feel guilty for making my husband think he is the only one responsible for our childless state.
    Omon,

    Dear Omon,
    This is an issue that you have left for too long. Men with low sperm count can still father children according to medical science, so you should not have denied your husband an opportunity to have kids by keeping being silent your own sterility.

    You were just thinking only about yourself when you married your husband without giving a thought to him, even as you confess to love him. Thank God, your conscience is pricking you now, which means, it is time to tell your husband about every skeleton in your cupboard. Also, pray that he forgives you for the years of lies, you have made him waste. If he does not forgive you, take solace in the fact that Heaven will.
    You can also start thinking about other means of having children as a couple; it could do wonders for your relationship, as you would both be doing something you long for.

    Photo credit:http://zhiphopcleveland.com

     

    #2958
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    http://footage.framepool.com/shotimg/qf/100142194-dozing-bedding-richmond-virginia-pyjama.jpg

    My husband has left our matrimonial home, because I refused oral sex
    Dear TLL
    My husband has sought work in another part of the country. We live in the city but he went seeking for a job that will take him out of town and got in it one of these far states, where he now works as an engineer. We have been married for five years and for those five years, one thing that has always caused problem between us is oral sex.
    I don’t feel comfortable with it at all, either giving it or being on the receiving end. I don’t like it at all. Unfortunately for me, my husband thrives on it, he would always want me to give him oral sex and would want to do the same thing for me.
    Because, it is so important to him, I have tried at times but the last few times, he wanted it, I just could not take it anymore and refused to do it. In fact, I told him, I would never do it again. There and then, the cold war began and as I’m writing this, I have not seen my husband, since he resumed work at the beginning of this month.
    I have been the one doing all the calling and his response has been perfunctory at best. I need my husband back but I don’t want to do oral sex again. What do I do?
    Mimi
    Dear Mimi,
    You probably did not raise any objection in the early days of your marriage to oral sex and logically, your husband is hurt that you are refusing him, something, that he probably thought you enjoyed doing for the whole of five years.
    If you will take note, the word probably appears twice in the first paragraph, that is a quick way to show that you have not talked about this matter, you relate with each other on assumption, that your action is okay with the other person, since they are not complaining.
    If you are unable to talk about sex, that might mean that there are other things that you have not talked about as well, and all these matters have all come together to influence your husband to take a leave from your marriage.
    This is the time to have the long overdue talk. If you have kids, find someone to care for them because, you will need to see your husband and it is best not to wait, until, he decides to come home, as that might be too late.
    Going to me him confers urgency to the matter you have brought and shows that you are really concerned about the welfare of your marriage. This can work in your favour, as your husband is on his turf and more likely to listen, without distraction.
    Talk about your misgivings on oral sex and show your willingness to pleasure him in other ways, you might be pleasantly surprised at his take on the matter, as he might have thought, he was doing something that pleases you.
    The truth is if oral sex is what sets the tone for your sexual life, then any negative signal from either partner will spoil the whole process, making sex boring. Goodluck with getting through to your husband.

    #2970
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    http://static.yourtango.com/cdn/farfuture/NckIi5HolgdysYnETOvX-Cid9QAwMrmHK-8oP4kgd6I/mtime:1427921080/sites/default/files/styles/listing_big/public/image_blog/164349364_2.jpg?itok=YvHoH--qOur affair is on his terms
    Dear TLL,
    My marriage ended several years ago and since then I have been holding down a good job and bringing up my two fantastic children. The eldest one is now a graduate and the youngest recently started university.
    My ex-husband lives abroad and they see him twice a year. I met a lovely, intelligent, successful, great-looking guy at a friend’s party. He was very flirty and asked for my telephone number. He is married but his wife was away visiting her parents. He was very persistent and after about six months we began an affair. He is a great lover. I am not expecting him to leave his marriage but he only manages to see me about once a month which I find so frustrating. What can I do?
    Annie

    Dear Annie,
    If a single person is involved with someone who is married, the affair tends to be conducted on the latter’s terms which is what obtains in your own case. He can only see you when he is able to slip away from his spouse without causing suspicion.
    Anyone is this position would usually have to rush back to work or home after a few hours of passionate sex. They can never go on holiday or spend important dates together such as birthdays and Christmas.
    If you do go out together, it has to be some distance from home and there would always be the fear that you will be seen, and many are caught out this way. Some promise to leave their marriage but never quite get around to it.
    Others make it clear from the beginning that they will never leave their spouse. You are not being fair to his wife or to yourself in this matter. It would be much wiser to end the affair and find someone who is free to have a relationship with you.
    End it now; it does not make sense at all.

    #3011
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    http://www.sexhealthmatters.org/images/uploads/89076207%20African%20American%20Couple%20in%20Bed%20Happy.jpg

    How I can encourage my wife to continue improving our sexual life?

    Dear TLL,

    My wife and I have been married for quite a while, and our intimate life have become monotonous and unimaginative. Over the years I have suggested we try new things during our intimate times. My suggestions were met with rolling eyes and retorts like, “I’m your wife, not a whore.” I finally gave up and try to be content with what we have together.

    Then one evening last week, she surprised me and did one of the things I had suggested. It was very nice, sorry, a fantastic experience and she seemed to like it, too. I didn’t know what to say to her. “Thank you” somehow seemed condescending. We have done nothing like it since then.

    I don’t think I have the right words to say to her and I desperately don’t want to say the wrong words. What should I have said to her to let her know how much I appreciated her loosening up and hope it will perhaps make her more comfortable spicing things up in the future?

    Don,

     

    Hi Don,

    Praise is a powerful incentive. Since you had no words, flowers would have been nice, if it suits her personality. But since you didn’t send any, try this; invite your wife out to dinner at a nice restaurant. Tell her how surprised and delighted you were with the special surprise she gave you. A small gift to commemorate the occasion couldn’t hurt either.

    A satisfying sex life is all about communication, and if your mail is any indicator, if more wives were uninhibited in the bedroom, there would be a lot less business for the “professionals.”

    You would be surprised at the way the evening would end for you; she would likely be more open to your experiments in the sexual department. Right now, that you have not talked about it, she will be feeling unsure of where you stand concerning her loosening up.

    Worse still, she might even think, she had given you a wrong impression about her. So you need to reassure her and do it fast. And yes, I agree that ‘thank you’ sounds condescending but there ways, more ways than you can imagine to say thank you. Repaying in kind is one way you can consider besides the dinner date.

    #3021
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    http://blacksinglesnetwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Man-Thinking.jpg

    My wife is angry about a picture of me with my new date
    Dear TLL,
    My wife and I have been separated for a year. I have been seeing another woman in a city nearby, and my wife is aware of it.
    I took my lady friend out for dinner recently while visiting her in her town. A couple from home who know my wife and me were also eating at this restaurant. I greeted them as we walked by their table.
    The next day, my wife approached me and showed me a picture of me and my date that had been taken by this couple without my knowledge. I was furious about the invasion of privacy. My wife claims I am just angry because I got “caught.” If I were worried about getting caught, I wouldn’t have been in a public restaurant in a city frequented by people who know me.
    What are your thoughts on people who secretly take photos like this? Do they really think they are doing their civic duty?
    Tunde

    Hi Tunde,
    You have a right to your privacy. If you and your wife have been separated for a year, then with whom you socialize is your own business. The same applies to your wife.
    I fail to see what kind of “civic duty” this couple was performing by taking a picture of you and your date. Frankly, I think it was in poor taste and served no good purpose.
    Except to stir up unnecessary angst between you and your wife; also, if your wife feels cheated by your dating another woman, after your separation of over a year, she should do something about it. She should come back home and you can work on your marriage.

    #3192
    Profile photo of Erima Okoro
    Erima Okoro
    Participant
    @Flower_1

    Dear tll

    My boyfriend and I have his dating for a year now, whenever met, everything was fine,  I have introduced him to my family and I have met his too, he always gives me everything tin I want, I never lacked both in love, care and support,  early in our relationship we got to find out that a man I used to know happens to be his very close friend and he yes he was a married man, but then I didn’t know he was married and wen I found out I ended it, so I told my boyfriend the truth and he told me it didn’t matter as far as it was in my past, he didn’t care, he is looking forward to the future with me. I was glad and WWE moved past it. Till a few months ago, he came to the country and decided to go stay in this friends place, few days later it started happening,  him asking me questions about my past with this person,  some personal things that happened btwn me and this his friend, and I was like, but I thought he didn’t want to know about those things,  that I thought he didn’t care, and he says to me that well since he found himself in the house he has to listen to what he had to say, and he started getting rily angry with me, I felt sick because this caught me off guard,  I didn’t know wat to do, and during during this time, I got pregnant and he said we cudnt kip it bcos he was having financial issues and I agreed,  so with everything going on, all I cud do was apologize, and tell him about all the love I have for him and all those things happened in my past, so for weeks he hardly talked to me, even after going through a d and c, I felt miserable and abandoned. Till he finally came around and said he was over it, and let’s move on, and then I asked him, if he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and he said he didn’t know, so I took whatever he was willing to give, somedays we’re fine and the oda days he just does things that gets me angry, he changed. Yea he did, but I felt that it was a process and I shud give him time, but am human, and I have feelings,  the things he did hurt me so bad, because I love him so much and I don’t want to loose him, something happened recently that has got me rily thinking hard and preparing myself for the worst,  he came around for the weekend and we were happy and cool. It was work day, and I got up, dressed up, gave him a kiss and left for work, and there after I closed from work, and getting home I couldn’t find his box or him, I didn’t understand so I tried calling,  I did this six times bfor he finally picked up, and I asked him were he was and he said he had traveled!!!! Without any prior notice, no phone call, no text, he said he had an emergency and he had things to tidy up wre he went, I was so mad, but I tried controlling it,  then I ran out of airtime,  I thought he wud call back, but he didn’t, till now, all I have gotten is a good night message on Thursday and Sunday,  I haven’t heard anything from him, neither have I said anitin to him because I have nothing to say, am hurt and angry, and I feel like nothing I could say will change him now, I believe this his behavior still has to do with the fact that I used to know his friend,  but this is a man that is not without his own issues too,  but am willing to go down that road with him, because I love him, but right now I can’t just deal, this last stunt he pulled,  to me is the height of disrespect, so please i need advice,  am confused and angry and hurt and still inlove. What do I do? What step to I take?

    #3209
    Profile photo of kristine
    kristine
    Keymaster
    @kristine

    First of all Erima @flower_1, you have been through a lot in the few weeks. You had an abortion and I hope you can live with the guilt, it can bring.

    While, I know, you want to call or have your boyfriend call you immediately, because you love him, I think, this is the perfect opportunity to assess your life and your relationship. You can look at issues more clearly right now. Sit down and ask yourself some hard questions about where you are headed.

    Do you want to tolerate this guy’s disrespect, sometimes, childish behaviour and all for the rest of your life, should you ever marry? Or you take a walk, while you still have a chance, especially as he has told you, he is not sure, he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.

    Take some time to reflect, if you decide to stay, know you have to give it your all. If not….

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