Love is a beautiful experience. Honestly, to love, even if it’s just once, is to be really alive. All senses you know, and even the ones you have no idea you own, will begin to function. Love literally makes you walk on air.
But it gets to a stage it begins to pale. The love magnetic begins to lose its power. Familiarity and over familiarity begin to set in. Someone starts not bothering with making her hair or wearing make-up, not even a lipgloss. Someone starts thinking, instead of going to stand in line at the movies, hustling for tickets and popcorn might not be worth it after all. “Abeg, let’s watch the movie at home o jare.”
Someone starts picking on the flaws of the other all the time. The thing that they used to love now becomes irritating.
The little foxes start to step in and before you know it, the attraction starts to wane, until there is nothing left and you wake up one morning and the thought comes, “Why am I even with this person?” That is the one million dollar question.
Although it takes more than physical attraction to sustain a relationship, it goes a long way in serving as a base for a relationship in the first place.
True, it’s usually the first draw, before other qualities are found. Those other qualities, like maintaining attractiveness in a relationship, cement the whole business. So, it is important for each partner to keep working on his or her self, to keep the flame of attraction alive.
Here are some practical ways you can do that:
Live for you
Sounds selfish right? Wait for it. People, who have a sense of purpose and meaning, are compelling because they exude an inner strength, unlike others. Constant surveillance about how others may or may not be judging you waste precious time that could be spent on getting what you want out of life.
Ask yourself: “What brings me happiness?” What would you like to accomplish in this life? What brings you a feeling of wellbeing and contentment?
People are drawn to a purpose-driven person, hence that is something your partner will find attractive in you. It’s like perfume, it just attracts.
Choose to be happy
No one, and I mean absolutely no one, is in charge of your happiness expect you. If you choose to out-source it to your partner, friends or even neighbours, get ready to live a miserable life and believe me, they wouldn’t be making your life miserable intentionally. It will come naturally.
When other can see and feel that you have chosen to be happy, it is a lot easier to relate with you and more importantly on a happy level. Your happiness is infectious, choose to be happy and begin to see everything and everyone around you experience that happiness.
Don’t take yourself too serious
A comedian recently said, he has mastered the act of laughing at himself, making himself the butt of jokes, so there is nothing anyone can say that would hurt him. After all, he who is down needs not fear falling.
That is exactly the point here. Most people do not like relating with someone with a holier-than-thou attitude, or no sense of humour. And in a relationship, especially a marriage, what is the point of a holier-than-thou attitude? What else does your partner need to know that he/she doesn’t know already?
In relationships, there is a kind of intimacy that takes hold after you have spent time together, a sense that you can be open with this person because they are being open with you. So you are free to be real to yourself and to your partner.
Which is why you will not take yourself seriously by not giving unnecessary attention to perceived slights. You don’t let the small stuff get in the way of your life and you enjoying your relationship.
If you don’t already, learn to laugh at yourself and take life easy…you’ve got only one.
Accept others as they are
Everyone wants to be with someone who is not judging them or making them feel small; your partner inclusive.
Learn to let go of judgments and criticism of others, of your partner specifically. You really can’t do much about the faults and flaws in others; the person is the only one, who can decide to do something about it. Sometimes, out of so much love for you, they can change and sometimes, they don’t.
At those times, focus on that person’s strengths rather than their faults.
Stop looking for validation
At certain stages in life, you can be bogged down by what other people think about you and, importantly, if others like you. That is fine but everyone should out-grow that stage. Especially in a relationship where both are supposed to be mature grown-ups, the importance of self-esteem cannot be overestimated.
Being only motivated by the opinions of others or the desire for recognition is a good way to become unattractive in a relationship.
At first, it might seem romantic to your partner, that you are always asking if he/she likes what you have done or about to do or what they think about some of your actions. Trust me, after a while, your partner would want you to take the initiative and just go with the flow.
He/ she would just want you to do you, to do what pleases you.
And the reason for wanting validation outside of your self stems from a struggle with self-esteem.
A busy quest for validation from others won’t necessarily bring it. In fact, this sign of insecurity may push people away. Instead, do the right thing for yourself, for your partner and validity will find you.
If you notice, most of the ways you can stay attractive in your relationship is by working on yourself. It is not a mistake because it essentially starts with you. It starts with what you want from that relationship.
From you to the outside, that is how love and relationships really work. You can’t love someone else, until you really love yourself. You can’t make a relationship work, until you really desire it.
Stay in love!!!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.