I remember the first time, I caught Kenny cheating on me. I had found a text on his phone that he had sent to a girl he had hooked up with a few times before dating me. I was a mess, but in the end I decided to stay with him. He convinced me that he was only flirting with her, and that he loved me. I believed him and contained my jealousy. It didn’t stop though, in fact, at some point, he stopped apologizing and even had the effrontery to bring his girls home. I have however seen guys that changed from cheats to faithful, dotting lovers, so I am not going to tell you to give him another chance or not, I only want to help you deal with the initial shock and help you act matured, in the face of circumstances that can bring out the worst in anyone.
Get mad if you want to!
Let’s face it, you got cheated on, and for that you’re allowed to be angry. The one thing you don’t want him seeing is that you are scared of losing him, so you pretend not to be mad at his infidelity. This was the first mistake I made that probably gave Kenny the audacity to continue cheating, and to even become more brazen in the act. I always played the victim, crying and asking him what he saw in other girls that I didn’t have, or asking him what I could do to make him stay faithful. All the while, boiling and having a turmoil in my heart. I was scared that if I exploded on him, he was going to walk out of the relationship, but then, wouldn’t that have saved me more years of heartache? Instead of bottling up your feelings and frustrations, let him into how you are feeling. If he mans up, apologizes and take positive steps not to repeat the mistake, then you are in luck. If he explodes as well and makes you feel like you have no right to be angry that he cheated, then you should thank him for showing his true colors soon enough, and break it off with him fast.
DO take time for yourself…
Chances are, if he’s begging for you to take him back, he is probably repentant of his infidelity. However, two hours of begging and promises doesn’t mean you need to accept him right then and there, though. Again, a man should never know that you are scared of losing him. Forgiving him too soon, makes things really easy for him and gives him more room to cheat, after all, all he has to do is beg. Your relationship doesn’t also get any better, because despite the fact that you took him back, you are still hurting. Take a break and think about what happened, what you want out of the situation, if the relationship is worth salvaging and what steps to take as a couple to prevent a re-occurrence. There is a likelihood that you have invested so much in the relationship already, and that can make you feel bad when you think of him cheating, despite all you did. Doing something for yourself like taking yourself out, having a spa treatment, visiting friends or something, can be soothing. In order to come away stronger from your time apart, be sure to use it productively. Critically assess your relationship, rather than falsifying every detail of the tumultuous affair, you assume your guy was having. When you take time off to heal, you would be better able to take a more objective look at the situation and take an informed decision, to move on or give him a second chance.
Whether you decide you cannot put up with him anymore and decide to go separate ways or you decide he is sincere about repenting and decide to give it another go, you HAVE to forgive him. Holding on to anger while taking him back would only cause more problems for your relationship. Holding on to anger while breaking up with him would give you trust issues in your future relationships and you would likely find yourself lashing out at men who did nothing wrong. Resist the urge to come up even, because it certainly won’t be nice to be seen as a bitter vindictive person. Forgiveness takes time, but it starts with a decision. Make up your mind to heal, and to forgive, regardless.
Don’t blame yourself
Take it from me, you have to consciously resist the urge to blame yourself, and put yourself down. Remember that your boyfriend is the one who cheated on you and not the other way round. There should be absolutely no room for self-doubt or self-pity. “Was there anything wrong with the way I dressed or looked? Was that the reason he allowed himself to get attracted to another girl?” Self-doubt or self-pity can hamper your self-esteem and hinder you from thinking straight. The guilt and pain after being cheated by your boyfriend is no doubt intense, but wallowing will not improve the situation.
You know, you have my best wishes… always!