It happens all the time; a man is driving his car with madam in the front passenger seat and kids in the back seat when a young lady, wearing a very wicked bum shorts decides to cross the road. The dilemma for the man would be whether to stop or not. If he stops, his wife is bound to look at him side eyes and if he does not stop, he still gets the side eyes, just to check if everything is still in their proper place. *side eyes*
You see, this lookery business is almost automatic, you would have looked even before it will dawned on you that you have looked. While it affects both men and women, it is worse off for men, sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like they should be pitied.
Every where they turn, there is something to see and being visually stimulated beings, that’s a lot of stimulation going on there. The Oyinbos, might call it wandering eyes, roving eyes, checking out someone else and any other name they fancy but Naija style, we call it ‘lookery.’
In case it is still not clear to you, lookery is when a man or a woman is taking sneak peeks at someone other than their spouse, girlfriend or boyfriend. Yes, women also have wandering eyes; it’s not for anything serious like wanting to lay the guy, it’s just checking out the biceps and sculpted abs. But seriously, you don’t think, this #MCM trend is just for the sake of the guys? Mehn! Its for the eye pleasure of the women folks o. It is not called eye candy for nothing. You will see some shirtless pictures of men and it’s makes you feel wan kin;
like feeling the layout of the rock hard abs being showed off beneath your hand. Did I say, women look but not for sexual reasons, scratch that literally? Women look and it can be sexual.
There was a teaching tape, sometime ago, which espoused this lookery business. The speaker, who was a woman, noted that lookery exists even in God’s house and that it was a sin. She narrated how Bro Timothy’s life revolved around, the three anchors of sex, church and work. Forget romance o, that one had since left his marriage, instead he was lost in the book of Habbakkuk, and he was moving on to Malachi, from there to Revelation, while he did not even acknowledge the fact that his wife had just made her hair but during offering time, he was the same brother that stumbled and bumped into the person in front of him, because he had been looking at a lady who was dancing back to her seat.
While, the style of the married men might be a bit cramped in the lookery business, it is not so for the single guy. They can look from here to eternity, especially the ones with the bug. Imagine, guy, who asks a girl out on a date, he picks her up from her house, to a very fine Chinese restaurant and then he stops paying attention to her, instead, he is sneaking looks at a busty lady with hour glass figure in a sunshine yellow dress seated on another table to his left. Hmm! Men, may God forgive you.
It happened the first time, you ignored, thinking he was just checking to see if he knew the lady. But when the second and the third looks happened, and instead of answering your questions, he suddenly starts, “emm, emm, you were saying?” You definitely knew, it was time to cut to the chase and make him understand that you are very well aware of what he was doing and well, two can play the game, which is one way, you can deal with man who likes ogling other women.
Sorry sister, if you have to deal with this from your man. It is just too much stress but there are ways to handle it, without turning into a nagging wife or girlfriend, thus driving him away from you. Some of the ways are below:
#1. Learn to accept it
You are most likely blinking your eyes and saying really? How does that help me? Well, this is the point, if you come to a place of acceptance of his behavior, you will not be easily offended, by his lookery. Besides, some ladies dress in such a way that just calls for a man’s eyes to ogle them. Like the bum short- wearing lady at the beginning of this article. Not saying, a lady cannot express themselves in her choice of clothing, just asking for consideration, to save men from heart failure. Is that too much to ask?
And another truth is this, women notice attractive women too, sometimes even before their men do, that’s why you see some guarded moves by other women around beautiful unattached ladies. It is natural to appreciate beauty and fear it too. Accept it, move on and don’t turn it into a study.
#2. Don’t punish him for looking
Lol! This is almost a default approach for most women whose husbands have roving eyes. They catch him in the act, and they want to punish him, “shebi, you can be looking at another women abi, you go suffer am.” And they go on ahead to mete out his punishment to him, like he is their child. If you want to make your relationship stronger, keep the punishment for your babies, not your partner.
#3. Be interesting, be playful
Men like to play, they like people who are happy, people whose happiness are directed at them, people whose happiness are a result of being with them. To grab and keep a guy’s attention, you need to be playing, be interesting enough for him to stay with you. He might take his sneak peeks but essentially his mind is on you. You make him happy. Men stick with women who make them feel good, so be that woman, and you will outshine the stray ladies.
#4. Play the game
Men like to play right? Well, it is time to play the ogling game but instead of it sneakily, you are going to be open about it and verbalise your thoughts. It need not be limited to members of the opposite sex alone. Mention the beautiful lady to him, even before he had seen her and he will look and move on, because, he knows you are aware, he would look anyway, so you just remove the fun of looking for him.
There you have it ladies, however, these are not the only ways, you can handle a man with roving eyes, we would really love to hear from you about how you handle a man with lookery disease. Please share some other ways this bug can be curbed or at least minimized.
Kristine is a member of the The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.