Can a sexless marriage really work?

To me, it seems contradictory to put the words- sexless and marriage side by side. More like sex in marriage would seem normal but then what is normal to me might not be normal to someone else.

It took watching an older couple who live close to me to know that there was no longer any sex in their marriage and it had started some few years after their last child was born, who is now almost 28 years old.

Why it ended, I don’t know and do not really want to know. Talk about digging up dirt. As if my knowing was not enough, I have listened to her several times, when she freely said, “What is there to enjoy any longer?”She is obviously, referring to sex and I want to reply, “Plenty.” And I imagine her response something along the line of me tiring soon of the whole exercise.

I must state that some years back, her husband married a second wife, which led to quarrels in the house that lasted for over a year. It was not until the new wife moved out of the house did the quarrels subsidized. Not that it went away entirely.

She really had given up on sex with her husband, because she once mentioned in a conversation that a friend of hers, (whose husband had also gotten himself a second wife) was insisting on a roaster for sleeping arrangements. It was hilarious. She laughed and laughed. Merely recalling it made me laugh.

One would think that a woman who is over 60 years old and married to the same man for over 30 years would be glad that her husband had relieved her of that essential duty but that was not the case. She was hysterical, she told her friends, ‘this man wants to kills me.” Her in-laws were involved in the matter, as she had asked them to intervene.

It was a matter that caused mirth for us but for this woman, it was cause for concern. She had held her husband’s attention in the bedroom for over three decades and because of a new wife, she is to be banned from her husband’s bed. Her kids were embarrassed but they dare not show it, as she was ready with the “is that not how I got you’ remark.

In the end, she got part of her bedroom rights restored and till date, she is still gets laughed at for wanting sex in the twilight of her years but she had learn to join in. At least, she still gets made love to, while most of her friends sleep alone all the time. She wins, don’t you think?

But seriously, should one ever consider a marriage that is devoid of sex, if nothing is wrong with neither of the couple? Honestly, I cannot wrap my mind around it. There are many times in a marriage that sex becomes the ice breaker. Or should we talk about the make-up sex that is usually steamy and erotic to the core?

For me, sex is very important in my marriage. As I write this, I’m trying to look deeply into the sexless marriages that I know of and see how they are making up for the lack of sex in their marriage.

One of the things, I find is, the man is worshipped. You don’t need to know this couple for long to know that his wife worships him. No sex but she washes his clothes by herself, they are grandparents by the way with one older child at home, who could do that but she washes his clothes and underwear by herself.

On his part, although, he has a second wife, he spends more time in the home he built with his first wife.

She cooks his meals and is like, ‘daddy will like this fish, or that part of the meat.” Sometimes, I think she does it to compensate for the lack of sex in their marriage. She is front, right and centre in her home, her husband just waiting to be waited on. I don’t know how they manage it but it works for them.

Now, this is a story that I can definitely identify with, though not in it’s entirely, here’s the story of a woman who left her husband, because they hardly ever had sex. She could count on one hand, the number of times; she had sex with her husband in their ten years of marriage.

Just as it was clocking 10 years, she packed the marriage in and started dating immediately; giving the new guy the heads up that sex was definitely going to be a major part of the deal. If he was not interested, he had better ship out, thankfully, he was on board with the sex part. You ask which man wouldn’t be.

And that was the root of the lack of sex in her marriage. Her husband simply did not desire her. It did not matter if she had paid particular attention to her dressing, bought lingerie and such. And it was not that he was not able to get the third leg up. Just that he was not interested. That broke her spirit until she decided to quit the marriage.

sexless-marriageThe truth is that most women, who are young would have you believe that they were the ones unable to keep up with the demand of sex of their husbands but it can turn out to be the other way round or that sex is a once in a blue moon incidence. When sex starts to become a rarity, a marriage is on its last leg.

Especially when, there are no physical or hormonal reasons why the situation is like that. The older woman whom I mentioned at the beginning of this story might find it funny that her age mate would still be thinking about sex with her husband but what about the young or middle aged woman whose husband has suddenly abandon her.

She does not feel beautiful, she feels neglected. It does not matter the amount of attention she gets in other areas of her marriage. She is not getting it in the place it mattered most.

That is when it becomes tricky. When sex becomes scarce, then it is time to start working on that marriage, to try to get intimacy back. To start with, there is a need to determine the needs of your wife or husband. Basically what turns your husband on?

Then, you look at what turns you on and find a way to balance both, so you can both find yourselves between the sheets.
The second thing to do is know the basics of man and woman make –up. Men usually think that sex is the highest level of intimacy in a relationship. They feel loved and show love the most when they are performing the sexual act. On the other hand, a woman is more likely to want an emotional connection, before sex becomes a natural outcome.

If there are issues in marriage, be sure that your wife will not be in the mood to jump into bed with you and that is what a man would want to solve the issues. Understanding the dynamics can help solve a lot of issues and bring back intimacy into a marriage. Bedroom gymnastics are quite awesome.

So far, we have seen that a sexless marriage can work for some, albeit not totally, as there is a second woman satisfying that urge, while for others, it is a deal breaker. But for me; sex in marriage is way better than no sex. What do you think? ;-)

Kristine

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