There is a saying that, you cannot expect to keeping doing something the same way and expect a different result. Well, that is the case in a relationship where there are issues and the way the issues are being handled, has only complicated things, but you keep going in the same way, because you can or because you didn’t know any other way to do it.
Well, whatever it is that you are doing to your relationship; it will be in the interest and survival of your relationship, if you are able to step back and review the situation. You will be surprised at some of the things you will see. Here is a list of things that you have been doing that is making your relationship less than stellar. And it does not matter, if you are a man or a woman, you could be doing it.
You don’t like change
You know that it is often said that women marry their husbands, thinking they will be able to change them and the men want their wives to remain the same way they met them. Fine body and all but in the end, both parties get disillusioned. It just never happens.As time goes on, you learn new things about yourself, your spouse and your relationship. You can either go with the flow or watch yourselves grow apart, which will just not do.
A relationship expert once said that men think of courtship as a project; once he has gotten his goal, i.e. marries the woman, he moves onto the next one and the only way a wife can stay relevant is to be part of the next project, her man is doing. It might not always be workable but it is do-able. Rigidity will not work in a marriage or long term relationship, it needs fluidity.
You want your spouse to act as you do
Friend, you are not Siamese twins, he has a personality and so do you. He can never act like you, nor you like him. It is part of what attracted you to him in the first place. He/she is not like you!
You need to strive to be on the same page most times on life’s important topics but it is not compulsory. There is a need for you to recognize that you are better together than separately, so have that in mind.
During the last general elections, some homes were thrown into chaos because the man and his wife were not of the same political orientation. When it comes to reconciling your differences, you really only have three good choices: you can celebrate them, oppose them or pretend it does not matter. Which will you do?
You are not speaking your partner’s love language
It is a known fact that everyone has his or her love language; what stirs feelings in them, what awakens their love for their spouse. For some, it is verbal declaration of love, saying, “I love you dear.” For some, that box of chocolate or scarf means the world to them, some, they just want the hugs and kisses not to stop. Once you are not speaking in the way that your partner communicate, then there is a disconnection, which if left alone, will only fester. Then, it becomes a waiting game, to see who acts first. But you can break the stalemate, make the first move and believe that your spouse will respond.You want to be right all the time
This one is a deep issue as it smacks of insecurity on your part. You have a need to always be right and that is one of the quick ways of having your spouse’s back up against the wall. They just close you out, because all that counts is that you are right all the time.
Pause and imagine yourself in your spouse’s shoes. What would you do? Of course, you begin to hide certain things that should otherwise be known, because honestly, no one likes to be told they are wrong all the time. Every time, you say, “I was right, I told you so” you are putting up a wall that will ensure, should your spouse ever make a mistake in the future, you will not be hearing “sorry”, all you will get are reasons why they did it.
And if you are the one who was wrong, have the humility to apologize and move on from there. Best thing is, don’t sweat the small stuff but choose to stand your ground on the bigger stuff that may be a deal breaker in your relationship.
You avoid conflict at all cost
This is not healthy in all ramifications. You need to fight, have quarrels and move on from it. It should never be a case where a conflict becomes a big deal, which you are unable to move on from. Or worse still, you avoid conflict. You are always backing down from a fight to maintain peace. My friend, that is no peace, what you have is a volcano that will one day erupt, spewing venom in form of ashes. It will come from your heart, where love should reside.
Conflict and arguments are natural and normal part of any relationship. You are also more likely to develop depression as a result of keeping your feelings hidden. When you are resentful or depressed, you are less likely to give your partner what they need or even be able to tell them, what you need. That builds a vicious cycle of dissatisfaction.
If you already feel dissatisfied in your relationship, then you know that there is need for change, which you can start from yourself, yes you. You can control your feelings and actions, start from you and see how it goes. But you should know that your spouse will surely react to your actions and feelings.
On the other hand, if you are doing great in your relationship, I will say kudos to you and chop knuckle but ensure that complacency does not come into to it.
I’m not sure, I should wish you a drama free relationship but that is what my fingers are typing, so instead, have a drama filled life, more enjoyable that way.
Kristine is a member of the The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.