It did not start in one day. It happened over time. Alex and Tunri were a couple, who used to have sex every other day. Then, it became once a week. They were too tired to do anything during the week, so they made time for it in the mornings on Saturdays.
After a while, even that became too much problem. Saturday mornings were no longer convenient, and the challenge turned to who was always making the first approach. Alex wanted Tunri to take the initiative at times, and just come for him, instead of him having to go to her all the time. He started to sleep on the edge of bed on his side in protest, and the gap between them grew wider.
Both not wanting to budge saw them having sex only when either was wildly horny and couldn’t withstand the heat any more. But after every round of sex, it was back to status quo. Very soon, even that was not happening. They started a separate room sleeping arrangement, and that was how their marriage suffered. Worse of was the fact that they had not yet had kids. If they were not having sex regularly, how would they get pregnant, assuming they have no challenge in that department?
Matters came to a head one day, when Tunri’s mom visited and noticed their sleeping arrangements, and her reaction was off the hook. When her son-in-law turned in for the night, she went to meet her daughter in her own room, and saw the set-up. This was her daughter’s room in its entirety, nothing of her husband’s was there. Tunri’s mom removed her clothes, as though she was getting ready for bed too, then she turned angry eyes on her daughter and told her, “Even as old as I am, I sleep in your father’s bed, we have sex; I know, you find that hard and disgusting to believe but we do. I did not get you by sleeping in a separate room from your dad. If you know, I’m your mom; you will go now, into your husband’s room, and make my grandchildren.”
When Tunri tried to come up with an argument, she just waved her out of the room and shooed her to the door and watched her walk down the hallway to her husband’s room and entered and in a parting shot, said, “I don’t want to see you till morning.”
As she closed the door, her husband looked up and said, “I knew she would send you here.” Tunri felt like turning back and shutting the door after her, but she knew her mom would have none of it. Alex made space beside him and walked to bring her to his bed. That night, they made love. They had sex, and everything in between, and it was smack in the middle of a work week. None of their previous excuses mattered that night.
The next morning saw them acting like love struck teenagers that Tunri’s mom announced that she would be leaving early, as her husband had need for her. She emphasized the husband part, to make sure Tunri got the message. Things nearly went south again, but they had managed to set up some routines, which helped them stay connected, and sexually attracted, to each other.
Below are some tips you can use to put the sexy back in your sexless relationship.
- Create and maintain couple routine.
This is a habit you and your partner share with one another, that is unique to your relationship. This routine can be simple, or great. Examples include watching TV together, watching a game show and competing for who can answer the questions first, a code you two share, an inside joke, etc. Develop a variety of routines and keep these rituals going over the years and see how it strengthens your relationship on all sides.
- Intentionally put yourself in the mood for sex
People tend to wait until they feel sexy, before initiating sex. The issue with this is that both parties might not feel sexy at the same time. Rather than waiting to feel sexy, learn what turns you on, and intentionally do things to put yourself in the mood.
One way you can do that is to cut out the peck of a kiss as you go off to work. Forget about that quick lip press that you could just as easily give your mother. Really deeply kiss each other. French kiss your spouse. It doesn’t have to take long, but a minute of soft, wet, slippery lips and tongues is an instant antidote to any safe feeling and surely get you in the mood for later.
- Flirt and keep flirting.
While dating, couples are great at flirting with one another. They share sexy text messages, speak with innuendo, smile and toss their hair, dress their best, and in general try to be attractive to their partner.
However, many couples get married and assume flirting is not necessary anymore. Flirting is a key component to keeping that sexy spark flowing. Prescription: act like lovers, look at each other the way lovers do and you’ll fire up that ‘you’re so yummy, I can’t take my eyes off of you’ energy.
- Go to bed early.
Turn off the TV, the computer, and the phones and get in bed! Make an intimacy date to just snuggle and talk, to pet and pet each other. It’s okay if you’re tired. Make the date about connecting, without the pressure or expectation of sex. Just make time to touch and be in physical contact, to unwind and share, so, separate bedrooms like Tunri and Alex’s will not work. Sometimes it will lead to sex, sometimes not. That’s alright.
- Have play dates.
Laughing leads to sex. Smiles warm the heart (and elsewhere). Make up games. (I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!) Remember, it’s sex play, not sex work! Joy really is the best medicine in the bedroom, so giggle, tickle, wrestle and romp and you’ll be sure to have your minimum daily requirement of sexy fun.
Let’s get start putting the sexy back in sexless relationships.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.