I remember clearly, the epic response newly engaged Adesua Etomi gave a follower, who hinted that she had hit jackpot by hooking her singer fiancé, Banky W.
She replied, “I make my own money. I bagged myself a ‘GOOD MAN’. A money bag isn’t hard to find, but a good man? That ain’t easy. I’m blessed. It ain’t luck.”
Mentally, I patted her on the back and said “Atta girl” ! A lot of women go around with the mentality that marriage means more money for them. Almost all men know how to deal with this kind of woman, hence, you will hear something along the lines of women liking money, and they would do anything for it. Some would even go as far as saying all they need to get any woman is to flaunt their money.
However, it can be a struggle for some men, especially men of the African stock, to relate with a woman who doesn’t need your money and any form of “security” you may think you’re bringing to the table. All she wants is your love.
Hmmm!!!! I witnessed exactly that scenario played out over the course of the last two years in the life of a high flying sister, Lola, and very soon we will be getting all dressed up to see her off to her matrimonial home.
Lola is just blessed. A fresh graduate from the Uni, she landed her first job with an investment bank, rose through the ranks, became head of her unit, moved to another company with better pay, and it was during an official assignment with her new company that she came in contact with her husband-to-be, or, like the story I heard, he was the one who saw her first and started the chase, undefeated by her haughty shakara attitude, or the fact that she drove a better car than he did.
As I write, their wedding IV says, “The hunt is over” and it warms my heart to see she’s in love, so in love, it’s blinding. No more flirting, no more fronting, just love between two young people.
Now, let me make it clear. Lola’s fiancé is doing well in his own career and life, and he will not in any way be a liability to her or himself in their marriage, it’s just going to be a great partnership based solely on love, and not the earning power of each other.
To the independent girl, love is never about necessity, but about desire. A relationship is not something she must have to feel complete, but a connection she wants. She wants to be whole alongside someone, to grow with that person, to let them in and share her life fully with them.
Here’s a woman who does not need you to be her valet, chef, chauffeur, ATM, emergency helpline, go-to person, one-stop solution kiosk or anything else.
Instead, she wants you to be you with her, for she knows the happiness that comes from being all of those things to herself.
So, how did Lola’s fiancé show her the kind of love that only a woman who doesn’t need anything from any man can appreciate and would really fall for? Here are a few pointers.
Love her? Set her free
It is often said that when you love someone, you set them free. That is exactly what your independent woman needs from you.
Please and please, don’t come and be all over the place in her life, trying to stamp your authority. It just won’t work.
It is good to remember that she’s been growing her life’s garden around herself, filling it with flowers and dreams that inspire her, that encourage her, that give her the strength to push through every difficult day.
With you in the picture, she wants to share her garden, but don’t come in and trample all over it. Don’t destroy her flowers to plant your own. Don’t think that you know what’s best, that you know how she should be, that she would grow better in your soil — let her bloom. And grow alongside her.
Combine patience with passion
She won’t always fall easily. She’ll be stubborn. She’ll push you away at times because there’s a little pull in the back of her mind telling her she’s fine on her own, or that you’re not worthy of her. Please, don’t take to your heels.
Be passionate about your feelings towards her, tell her, show her, fight for her.
However, you also need to be patient. Know that she’s just getting used to sharing her love with someone else. Know that she is crazy for you, but does not want to give up her identity. Show her she doesn’t have to. Love her for all she is.
Share your world
One way you can draw her into your world is to share your world with her. It is one the ways you can get her attention off some of the things which has preoccupied her life, before meeting you.
When she falls for you, she wants to know you. She wants to know all the things you hide, all the memories from the past, all the random pieces that have made you, you. Show her.
Show her who you are and who you’ve been, where you’ve gone and what has created your strengths and weaknesses.
Show her how beautiful it is to open your heart and life to another person.
Being present matters a whole lot
Your presence is what marks the line between the time she wasn’t in any relationship and now that she is.
Your presence shows her that you’re there and that her thoughts are important to you. Show her that you want to be by her side. Show her that you’re not leaving.
Whatever, you do, stay in love!
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.
2. Instagram @adesuaetomi