One of the phrases I often hear nowadays is, “Marriage is to be enjoyed, not endured.” It’s such a simple statement, but a powerful one that can change many realities, if taken to heart.
One of those instances was recently in a chat with my Aunt, when we were talking about a cousin of hers by marriage, who is getting married soon and my aunt had wanted me to talk to her, to make sure she was sure about this decision of hers to get married, and to that particular guy.
The simple truth is, my entire family has reservations about this guy; most of us feel, he isn’t mature enough and it shows in the levity with which he has handled the matters of this wedding planning. True, most men are not as involved as the lady, but there are still some expectations. When he isn’t even doing those, then we know that all is not well.
On one hand, I feel he is not ready and it is this cousin of ours that is forcing his hand. He is just in his late 20s, even though they had been dating forever. On the other hand, I feel it doesn’t matter, after all some men married while younger than that and they are doing great. What I’m after is his willingness to shoulder his share of responsibility in this impending marriage.
Right now, all I see is a lady doing all the running around by herself, without the support of her soon-to-be husband, and I can’t help but feel that is the way it will be in their marriage, and that is one way to get frustrated fast. Wishing her luck but I’m still going to have a chat with her nonetheless, to make sure she knows exactly what she’s getting herself into. I’ll also share some of these tips. It seems a reverse way of doing things but I’m using the scare tactic. I just hope it works and she does the exact opposite of the items on this list.
1. There are no complaints
While there are relationships where the partners understand themselves to a fault, such that they have no reasons to complain about each other’s behaviour, there are so many couples who have not yet gotten the hang of such telepathic powers. And that is absolutely fine too. They just need more practice and patience with each other.
However, if you’re in a marriage where you do find faults with your husband or wife, and yet choose not to talk about it with them because it’s just not worth the effort, or it will turn into a fight, that’s just not good.
When you lose hope of ever influencing (note: not change) your partner or help them see their flaws, you’re in the no-complaints relationship. Over time, these little annoyances could lead to huge frustrations in your marriage and ultimately contempt, which is a marriage killer in its own class.
2. You lead Individual lives
There is no lonelier place than a marriage where both partners are living as though not married. You are with someone technically but you are not with them emotionally and you are unable to do anything about it. In a happy marriage or a long term relationship, it doesn’t matter how distant both your career or life paths are, but both of you have to understand each other and be willing to offer a shoulder to each other.
Many people don’t make the effort to understand more about their partner’s work life and their daily experiences. Always remember this, if you can’t offer the emotional support your partner wants, your partner may look to someone else to get that same support.
3. You don’t touch
The power of touch cannot be underestimated. It communicates feelings that words are incapable of expressing. Touching need not be over-the-top public displays of affection, it could just be something as simple as holding each other’s hands, touching shoulders, or a playful pinches on the bum in the privacy of your home.
Couples who are unhappy in their relationship avoid any situation that will bring about them touching each other, and that just breeds more rancour in the relationship, as both party’s needs for human touch are not been met.
According to experts, human touch is one of the cornerstones of bonding and has been shown to drive up oxytocin; dubbed the love hormone, that in turn facilitates attachment. If you’re in a relationship, make sure to do the little things: kiss each other when you say goodbye, hug more frequently or just hold hands while driving or watching TV. It will make a difference.
4. You compare and thus underappreciate your partner
Gratitude in marriage has been shown in several studies to be one of the main ingredients that keep a marriage bubbling. Without appropriate show of gratitude, one or both partners can feel frustrated and end whatever it is they are doing, that has been going unappreciated.
There are situations when people underestimate the worth of their partners and compare their deeds with their own deeds. They expect more and give less, which in turn generates a feeling of irritation in their partner. They overlook how much their partners contribute to the relationship and focus only on their own contribution.
This feeling is quite rampant in an unhappy relationship and if left unchecked, weakens the bond of married life.
These are the four things that unhappy couples do in their relationships and what all of these does is make the marriage less attractive to both partners. And the reason is simple, that is not how it should be. It is not normal.
The truth of human nature is, when you are in an abnormal situation for a long time, something breaks in you.
So, it’s wise that before a bad relationship breaks both partners, it should be fixed. This is not going to be easy but it is not impossible.
Stay in love!