I was pained when a man, I respected so much had married almost immediately after his wife’s death. I felt as though, he couldn’t wait for her body to get cold in the ground for him to seek sexual comfort in the arms of another woman. If you are wondering why I mentioned sex? But that was the sole reason that came to my mind.
He is a middle aged man, with teenage children, they have stopped childbearing so many years back, before death came knocking. So, it cannot be because he wanted children and I selfishly thought too, that he didn’t need companionship, after all he has children and they would keep him company. What I failed to factor in was the fact that these children of his were already matured and do not necessarily want to be joined at the hip to their father, not even when, their mother had just died.
What I didn’t think about was what would happen, when the new wife takes up residence in his house and takes over the master bedroom, the kitchen and everywhere, the woman had reigned.
It was a bit disconcerting for me when I visited the family. I found it a bit difficult to relate the new scenes before my eyes with the images of the former woman of the house in those same places.
And you do not need to be a prophet to determine that things were less than chummy between the boys and the new wife of their father’s. Everyone tiptoed around the other, putting up fronts and I witnessed one show of outright disrespect by the youngest son, which thankfully, his older brothers cautioned him, before it got out of hand.
I put it down to the fact that, this was a new situation for all of them and it would take a while to get used to it and then, they can find their own dynamics.
When moving into the home, a man shared with an ex, a late wife or partner, whether they have children together or not, there are quite a few things to consider and they include:
- Consider ways to make the move less emotionally tasking
First things first: buy a new mattress.
Sharing a bed with your partner that was shared with an ex just feels weird, somehow to even to think it. I don’t know how else to explain it but I think you get my point.
It just feels odd and getting a new mattress as the first order of business, would make a huge different…at least for me, if I were ever to find myself in such a situation.
As for the rest of the house, if it’s possible to move, consider it.
The truth is, there is something to be said for finding your place together.
However, that’s not so easy for everyone, either because of finances or family. If that’s the case, there is another easy solution.
Remodel! Give it your own touch.
Now, that, doesn’t mean you have to knock down walls and add rooms (although that would work, too). Or go an expensive remodelling venture.
But start simply with making changes to the existing room — get a new piece of furniture or paint one or more rooms. Just find ways to put your stamp on the house in a non-confrontational way.
- Understand that, it’s not going to be easy on the inhabitants of that house
Like the case of the family, I mentioned at the beginning of this story. Going into a new home and expecting everyone to be welcoming is like waiting for a miracle, (which happens but not necessarily, when you want it.)
It is expedient that you accept the fact that, you will brush against each other in not so nice ways at first but that you will find what works, if you are truly interested.
Even if, you are lucky and there are no animosity from the other members of your new family, it can come from your man himself, as you might find him telling you, this is how, his ex used to do certain things, how they arranged their dinner plates and such details that simply tells you he is struggling with the changes, as much as you are, even if he truly wants you in his house.
Remember, moving in with someone usually triggers all of your insecurities and fears, and it can feel even worse to have to deal with them in a house where your partner’s ex lived.
- Sentiments aside, a house is just a house
If you take a moment to think about the practical and logical side of things, you will find out that it shouldn’t bother you so much. After all, it just a house.
Whatever sentiment attached to it is just that: sentiments and that’s why, there are so many hindrances in the way.
That was the reality for Tayo, a single mom of one, who happened to fall in love with a divorced man, Shola.
For years, after they started dating, Shola pleaded with her to move in with him but Tayo refused, preferring to have her own place and staying there.
Rather than move in with him, she encouraged him to move in with her and he did, until it because obvious that their living condition wasn’t working. At her place, they were squeezing themselves into small spaces, when they could be lounging in the laps of luxury, if they moved to his house.
Shola broached the subject again and she was willing to give it a try.
A try turned to a remodelling voyage, which he gave his total support.
Today, they live in the remodelled house, and Tayo feels as though, she had lived there all of her life. For Shola, he had the opportunity to have same walls witness his love twice.
So see if it’s possible for you to detach from the past, so you can move forward.
With love, there is nothing that is impossible.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.