This is a scenario which most men would not like to think about, or even encourage. “My ex and my babe will never meet, if I have anything to do with it” was one reaction that I got, when I asked Deji, an old friend of mine. Interestingly, he had once been in that situation and he shared.
For Deji, it happened years ago, when the girl he had dumped because he found another babe, had set out on a revenge mission and one that was out rightly obvious to him. The scorned ex had befriended his new chick, who was ignorant of the fact that they had once dated.
Soon, his girlfriend and her new found friend (Deji’s ex) became as thick as thieves, they dressed similarly, did so many things in common, and they talked a lot. They were friends after all, and Deji was one of their subjects of discussions.
So, you can imagine, the amount of nail biting moments Deji would have gone through, every time he saw them together, or how even the knowledge of them together would have destabilized him. Truthfully, he was worried about his ex telling his girlfriend the story of how he dumped her for him, which was not one of the finer things he had done in his life.
He tried to discourage their friendship but it did not work, if anything, it only made his girlfriend more determined to pursue her friendship with his ex. In the end, what he feared happened. His girlfriend was told about the unceremonious way he dumped his ex, but not by her, but by another friend of the ex. It was a mess! His girlfriend felt like a pawn that both he and his ex were toying with, and broke off her relationships with both of them.
His ex was able to patch things up with his now-ex-girlfriend, but he couldn’t save his relationship. He couldn’t deny the fact that he had dumped his ex, at the first sight of another girl. It just showed he wasn’t to be trusted.
Although he said he had become more careful about the way he handled his relationships and such, he still would not want his current girlfriend and any of his exes to be friends. Once bitten, twice shy. Now, that was the guy’s view.
However, as a woman, I think your man’s ex is not such a bad person to be friends with. If she is not crazy-crazy and wants your man back, she can actually provide a different perspective on your relationship; the shortfalls of their relationship, where you can better, just as long as you find your own rhythm and stay on top of your game. If you need more convincing, I have five more reasons, you should consider being friends with your man’s ex.
- Your Man’s Ex is the best reality check you will ever need
Undoubtedly, you feel like your man is the most amazing person you have ever met in your life. You are allowed to think that, and even more, after all, he’s your man and it is only natural to think the best of him. However, your man’s ex will help you see those areas of him that love has made you blind to, that it will take years for you to find out, if ever. And if this is something that several of his exes agree on, then there is need to check it out.
That knowledge helps you determine right away, if you can deal with it or if you need to move on.
Being able to learn from each other is actually the best part of being friends with your man’s ex. You won’t just learn things thanks to the fact you dated the same guy, you will learn things through one another’s life experiences. In the end, your conversations will not only be about the man you have in common, but life generally and that friendship will be strengthened.
If that friendship started on the premise of knowing your man does not outgrowth that initial topic, it will die, because how many times can you rehash same topic? If I were the ex, I’m not sure I would be inclined to rehash my hurt or past behaviour all the time, even if I was the one who had done the dumping.
- She might just be the bestie you are looking for
Take the experience of a lady, who reached out to her man’s ex, when her relationship was on the brink of collapse. She was looking for help, for ways to make things better, but after talking with the ex, it looked like all that had been happening in her relationship was planned to the most minute of details.
It was a phone call, but by the time they were done talking, both of the women were crying and consoling each other over the phone.
It was from that conversation she got the strength to let go of a relationship that was already dead and wanting to drag her into its grave. She also made a new friend who, incidentally, had walked in her shoes, healed and moved on to marry an awesome guy, so it gave her hope and a ready life coach, whose path she could take to recovery.
Following that proven path, she got her act together, kept busy improving her life and making sure she did not fall for the same type of guys again and if she did, there was her bestie to tap her on the shoulder and say, “girl, you’re straying.”
- You’ll learn from her experiences
When your man’s ex starts to tell you her story, there’s no reason you won’t experience the same feeling you had when your man did the same thing to you, if you have seen that aspect of him. Aside from feeling sorry for the woman he ditched, you also learn to how to cope. And if he is your ex already, then you will realize going back to him is the worst idea ever.
An aside: If you are looking to keep a man on his toes, and are heavily unsure, then being friends with his ex is the way to go. Unless his hands are clean and he had been done nothing wrong to his ex, then a man can rest easy and be merely bemused at his girlfriend pursuing a friendship with his ex. Still, most men would rather you don’t.
There’s nothing wrong with being friends with your man’s ex, or your ex’s ex. Often times, if you two can relate to one another about things other than your ex; you suddenly have a shoulder to cry on, if you ever get your heart broken by the same kind of guy again. More so, you even have someone to share your life and thoughts with.
Want to give it a try?
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.