This year alone, we have had celebrated cases of failed marriages, from celebrities to the ordinary man on the street. From domestic violence to emotional abuse to spousal shaming, we have gone through the whole hog and we are just in the fifth month of the year. It makes you wonder, what the rest of the year holds, relationship wise.
At The Lovelint, we love to see relationships grow, become better, to see people enjoy their relationships and if that doesn’t seem, likely, then to provide necessary support to get them to a happy place emotionally and physically. But, its always a thing of joy, if relationships become strengthened and marriages last. To make marriages last, we need to look at the reasons they fail in the first place.
Take a look at the scenarios below:
Why did he leave me?
“Why do married men of 20 years suddenly leave their wives and immediately start dating other women?
My husband did this to me; he woke up one morning and said, ‘I need to move on.’
Three weeks later, while still living in the same house with me and the kids, he started dating a woman, who he’s now married to.
Why does this happen? Shouldn’t his new wife be very concerned? This left me, quite shaken, even though, it happened three years ago. I’m so scared to get involved with any man again. I know I have been told not to ask why he did what he did, but I need to know or I’m going to go mad. What makes a man do that kind of evil?”
Why did she cheat on me?
“After two years of marriage, my wife just changed. I don’t know why or what caused it. She just became distant, not paying attention to things happening around her or our home. She doesn’t pay attention to me, barely pays attention to our baby.
Until, I discovered that, she was having an affair with someone from her past, whom, I did not known even existed, much more that, he was a threat to our marriage. She just lost interest in me, and our marriage.
I couldn’t take it and we have since gone our separate ways but it still hurts. Her actions made me feel like, I was not good enough, that I couldn’t satisfy her, to the extent she strayed. It was a major dent on her manhood but I’m recovering. That is not helped by the fact that I have to see her, because of our baby, but I will get over it someday.
However, I still wonder, how she could cheat on me so easily”
If you notice, both stories ended with questions, neither the man nor the woman could understand, why their partner would cheat on them, worse, fall out of love with them
The simple reality is, marriages don’t just end overnight. Nobody just wakes up, turns over and looks at their partner of 20 years or two years and says, “Hey this woman or man, this isn’t working out for me. Last night was great, but you know what, I want to end this marriage today.”
They would always have been signs that things were not going as they should. Most partners in a relationship would know it, but prefer to bury their heads in the sand, wishing it will go away.
Sometimes, they even apply cosmetic solutions to deep seated challenges. Of course, it isn’t going to work. Noticeable pointers can be seen in your conversations or lack of it. A relationship never just ends; it ends slowly. It ends over time.
Think about the communication between the two of you. Were the talks deep? Did you talk about the relationship? Did you talk about things that would move the relationship forward? A lot of partners have trouble going deeper into the intimacy zone of their marriage.
To answer the questions raised in the stories, here are three major reason marriages fail, asides from the obvious reasons, which I like to call the symptoms of a deep problem. No woman or man would cheat, if they were truly happy in their relationship. The cheating is just a symptom of an unhappy relationship. Here we go:
Resentment comes along when there’s a lack of communication or you are getting your signals crossed in your marriage. He’s not doing what you want him to do, but you’re not letting him know what your expectations are. You feel angry at her for not fulfilling your needs and so you shut down even more.
Resentment in marriage is DANGEROUS; it bubbles close to the surface and has a way of permeating every part of your relationship. The best way to combat resentment is to keep the lines of communication open, and speak your mind (as compassionately as possible, as you can manage it ) when things leave you feeling less than happy.
If you’re having trouble doing that on your own, consider seeking out professional help. Sometimes, having an impartial third party can help you to articulate what you’re feeling.
One of the biggest marriage killers out there is boredom. Boredom in a marriage is what leads married couples to start looking around and wondering if the grass might not be greener on the other side after all. Of course, excitement in a marriage isn’t going to be an every day business, you will fall into routines, you will have to think about other people, other than yourselves. If you have babies, feeding and diaper changes will likely kill any excitement, however, having a boring marriage, does not have to become the norm.
Make an effort to mix things up a little bit now and then. Work to keep the spark alive in the bedroom. Try a new hobby, preferably, one you can do together, anything to keep life (and your marriage) from becoming the same old boring story. Doing so means that eventually, one or both of you will seek out some excitement somewhere else.
Lack of respect in a marriage is one of the quickest ways to have everything fall apart. When spouses fail to show respect to one another, this creates room for anger and the aforementioned resentment to sneak in.
Try to see things from your spouse’s point of view; allow them to speak their mind and listen to what they have to say, even if you disagree. Try to always keep in your mind, the vision you had of them in the early days of your relationship; the person, who could do no wrong in your eyes. That person is still there, still just as deserving of your respect, even if you don’t always agree with them.
If these failure pointers are not in anyway present in a marriage, I dare say,s that marriage can stand the test of time. However, it will be foolhardy to think that not one of these factors might be present in a marriage, at one point or the other, what makes the difference is the ability of both partners to work through it.
I’m leaving you with this words said earlier, no relationship ends at once, it ends over time.
Kristine is a member of The Lovelint team. She is a down to earth person, who says it as it is. Having given relationship advice for years in a national daily, she has found out that fear is one of the main reasons holding people back from enjoying a healthy, happy relationship. She is married with kids and is willing to listen to you and help as much as you let her to.